Well, no, not xxx. I mean blank by XXX! This is the current theme of the majority of our conversations with Trajan these days. No matter what you are talking about, there is going to be a word that he wants defined. I love this because it shows he is becoming conscious in his word choice. I also loves that he seems to have really grasped the concept of which words are in English, which are in Spanish and which are in French.
That said, occasionally I just want to scream ARGH rather than define another word.
Those with older kids, is this one of those things that will pass or is this what we will be doing between now and say 16? I bought dictionaries for the kids I tutored pretty regularly, so I know definitions continue to be useful, but do they stay so verbal?
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Friday, July 8, 2011
Harry Potter
Harry Potter 7.1 was in the theaters during the time I was in the hospital. While a friend volunteered to bring a bootleg copy, Paul declared that instead we would just wait because surely the Alamo would have showings of 7.1 before 7.2. His theory was that it was much better on the big screen and we should do it together. Collective awwww.
Well, they aren't. Instead, they are doing this. Yes, 21-some-odd hours of back-to-back Harry Potter. While they have said they didn't sell the whole theater, I still think it makes sense to get there early to get good seats as long as we're going to be there all day, what's another hour? So going to shoot to be at the South Lamar theater about 3:30.
You ask, what about the boys, you crazy woman? Well, Paul is such a super hero that he is getting his dad to come in and watch the boys so he can follow through on my promised, admittedly now much enhanced, Deathly Hallows experience. I feel pretty and loved and all that.
So, now is the time for scheming. What to bring?
Anything else I should bring? I'm assuming I can get enough charge on my phone during the times I'll be pumping given I won't be using it in the movie theater.
Definitely need to write out information for Paul's dad the superhero who is allowing this event to take place.
(I'm actually really excited!)
Well, they aren't. Instead, they are doing this. Yes, 21-some-odd hours of back-to-back Harry Potter. While they have said they didn't sell the whole theater, I still think it makes sense to get there early to get good seats as long as we're going to be there all day, what's another hour? So going to shoot to be at the South Lamar theater about 3:30.
You ask, what about the boys, you crazy woman? Well, Paul is such a super hero that he is getting his dad to come in and watch the boys so he can follow through on my promised, admittedly now much enhanced, Deathly Hallows experience. I feel pretty and loved and all that.
So, now is the time for scheming. What to bring?
- Wear into the theater comfortable clothing: perhaps athletic type pants, tshirt and flip flops? Yes, a Harry Potter costume might be more appropriate, but less comfortable and who really is going to be caring at 3:30 am?
- Socks (for cold moments in theater)
- Sweatshirt
- Small blanket?
- Pillow (i thought this was crazy, but they sent out an email explicitly telling people they could) - we are at the location where the arm rests can be lifted up, so hopefully can work with this
- Medela symphony in car (need to see if it's easiest to run it off the power plug in back or just bring an invertor)
- Bottles and flanges
- Cooler? I'm wondering if I can keep it cool enough in a cooler with ice packs for 24 hours or if I should just throw away the expressed milk
- Possibly a manual pump and a breastfeeding cover? I've experimented with them and they seem loud in a quiet room, but maybe in a theater it would be fine? Not sure if I could do this, but if so it would be much easier.
- Tennis ball? Labor never bothered me, so I've never tried them for that, but they do seem like they would be useful to work the kinks out.
Anything else I should bring? I'm assuming I can get enough charge on my phone during the times I'll be pumping given I won't be using it in the movie theater.
Definitely need to write out information for Paul's dad the superhero who is allowing this event to take place.
(I'm actually really excited!)
Master of His Universe
Scrappy Doo was his NICU nickname and it still seems appropriate. Under thirteen pounds, but can totally work an exersaucer. Under thirteen pounds, but can take four people to hold still once they put the rubber around his arm for a blood draw (I know I've heard they can't have traumatic memories, but based on Chiron, yes they can).
And he sleeps now!
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Intense ball spinning.
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It's you, milk lady!
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Ahhh, to be young and milk drunk.
And a bonus picture of big brother (who typically does NOT want his picture taken when he's awake, except for the occasional picture he picks. He does ask to see his sleeping picture most mornings though, so I have a lot of these (actually two facebook albums):
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And he sleeps now!
And a bonus picture of big brother (who typically does NOT want his picture taken when he's awake, except for the occasional picture he picks. He does ask to see his sleeping picture most mornings though, so I have a lot of these (actually two facebook albums):
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Labels II - An Achievement
I've noticed labels seem to be a theme in lots of blogs. Stillbirth blogs, NICU blogs, autism blogs.... This concept just seems to plague people across the spectrum of existence.
While I still get bothered by labels, I believe I took a big step the other day. Ever since Aurelia died, I haven't liked the phrase we lost her. As in, we lost her to a cord accident at 24 weeks. We NEVER lost her. We knew exactly where she was. When we ultrasounded Chiron, she was there. When he was born, she was removed first. I can't really say she was born first since born implies life (see, the dang labels), and I still haven't seen any official sheet of paper showing it, but she was removed from my body at 08:15 and he was at 08:16.
Losing her somehow makes it sound to me like it was an act of negligence. Like we didn't care enough to keep track of her. Like I didn't love her enough to keep sending her oxygen through her cord. Like there is action I could have taken that would have kept her alive. Similar to how hostile interuterine environment bothered me because hostile sounds like it is the product of intent.
Despite this, I've kept using the phrase. It seems to roll over people well and not upset them. Losing her somehow makes her less real. Real things die.
At Trajan's first play therapy session, I departed from this practice. I said, "his sister died due to a cord accident at 24 weeks." I want to add in likely cord accident, but I think it's cleaner this way.
I've tried it a couple of times now and I would say that saying your child died is a little harder on others than saying you lost them, but I just don't think it's about them, so I'm going to stick wtih it.
Next step would be for me to use her name. I still have trouble doing that. As a final funny thought, my main problem with the name Aurelia was I wasn't sure about the pronunciation. Turns out that was a total non-issue. .. So, for practice: Aurelia died in utero at 24 weeks gestation. I think I've got this! :-)
While I still get bothered by labels, I believe I took a big step the other day. Ever since Aurelia died, I haven't liked the phrase we lost her. As in, we lost her to a cord accident at 24 weeks. We NEVER lost her. We knew exactly where she was. When we ultrasounded Chiron, she was there. When he was born, she was removed first. I can't really say she was born first since born implies life (see, the dang labels), and I still haven't seen any official sheet of paper showing it, but she was removed from my body at 08:15 and he was at 08:16.
Losing her somehow makes it sound to me like it was an act of negligence. Like we didn't care enough to keep track of her. Like I didn't love her enough to keep sending her oxygen through her cord. Like there is action I could have taken that would have kept her alive. Similar to how hostile interuterine environment bothered me because hostile sounds like it is the product of intent.
Despite this, I've kept using the phrase. It seems to roll over people well and not upset them. Losing her somehow makes her less real. Real things die.
At Trajan's first play therapy session, I departed from this practice. I said, "his sister died due to a cord accident at 24 weeks." I want to add in likely cord accident, but I think it's cleaner this way.
I've tried it a couple of times now and I would say that saying your child died is a little harder on others than saying you lost them, but I just don't think it's about them, so I'm going to stick wtih it.
Next step would be for me to use her name. I still have trouble doing that. As a final funny thought, my main problem with the name Aurelia was I wasn't sure about the pronunciation. Turns out that was a total non-issue. .. So, for practice: Aurelia died in utero at 24 weeks gestation. I think I've got this! :-)
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Random Shots (and a Sophie Ramble)
Baby crack.
This is a kid without teeth. And as his brother didn't get his first tooth until 14.5 months, not a kid we are expecting to have a tooth anytime soon. But he loves Sophie. He will stretch his motor skills to their limits to move her between hands, rotate her, love her, suck on her, sniff her and just generally embrace her in his love.
So, I don't know why, but yes Sophie is all that. And no, $17.27 is not too much for such happiness (http://www.amazon.com/Vulli-Sophie-the-Giraffe-Teether/dp/B000IDSLOG/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1309963864&sr=8-1). I'm debating ordering a second now that I have the page pulled up.
There's something about this expression that I just love.
Pragmatic or Impulsive
Apparently I don't know the meaning of moderation. I've always suspected this. What's funny is this is just in my thoughts, I actually end up walking the moderation line pretty well in the real world.
Why am I thinking so much about moderation that I wrote a blog post? Well, because I'm having trouble seeing the middle ground for reproduction. I have a 4-year-old and a 0.5-year-old. I should not be thinking about reproducing right now, but I am.
I made a table that shows everyone's age at different conception dates and at probable due date. I keep thinking of would it be so bad to have them tight?
Intellectually, I think we are best waiting until at least October 2012 to conceive and really this starting June 2013 would be best.
I didn't have this bug with our older son. Didn't even think about getting pregnant again beyond a hypothetical most likely until he was over 2.5.
So, pragmatic? That would be to wait. To completely wait. I mean even to make the decision about having more kids until lets say at least 2013?
Impulsive? Rip out this birth control and see what will be. Knowing that ye olde breastfeeding would buy us some months, but would probably be pretty quick.
I will not do the impulsive. Flat out guaranteed. One, it's irresponsible. To my body, to my spouse, to my children. Two, it's dangerous to the kid if uterus isn't lined well due to birth control.
Honestly, I am so far from impulsive I have reasonable doubt that we will EVER have another. But I hate that idea. It just feels wrong. It's like the picture needs something else.
So, here's the goal. Work on improving competency. Be a better wife, mother, employee and friend. Cook, clean and organize better. Make a world that will be better for another child. Keep at it. Don't worry about the another kid until it's all I can think of. Then deal with it.
Why am I thinking so much about moderation that I wrote a blog post? Well, because I'm having trouble seeing the middle ground for reproduction. I have a 4-year-old and a 0.5-year-old. I should not be thinking about reproducing right now, but I am.
I made a table that shows everyone's age at different conception dates and at probable due date. I keep thinking of would it be so bad to have them tight?
Intellectually, I think we are best waiting until at least October 2012 to conceive and really this starting June 2013 would be best.
I didn't have this bug with our older son. Didn't even think about getting pregnant again beyond a hypothetical most likely until he was over 2.5.
So, pragmatic? That would be to wait. To completely wait. I mean even to make the decision about having more kids until lets say at least 2013?
Impulsive? Rip out this birth control and see what will be. Knowing that ye olde breastfeeding would buy us some months, but would probably be pretty quick.
I will not do the impulsive. Flat out guaranteed. One, it's irresponsible. To my body, to my spouse, to my children. Two, it's dangerous to the kid if uterus isn't lined well due to birth control.
Honestly, I am so far from impulsive I have reasonable doubt that we will EVER have another. But I hate that idea. It just feels wrong. It's like the picture needs something else.
So, here's the goal. Work on improving competency. Be a better wife, mother, employee and friend. Cook, clean and organize better. Make a world that will be better for another child. Keep at it. Don't worry about the another kid until it's all I can think of. Then deal with it.
Genetic Gift or DUH!
Trajan earned a double parent-teacher conference for the last trimester of the year. In my mind it was two because it was split into half-he's doing awesome academically and half-behavior is more of an issue. His report card had a similar theme with mostly E's (excellent) with the occasional S (satisfactory) in the academic things with a mix of S's and P's (in progress) for behavior. He was promoted to the next grade, but we were left wanting to help him to make it easier anyway we could.
While the school didn't make any sort of treatment necessary, we were of the opinion that if there was anything we could do to make life easier on him, we should look into doing it. Yes, it is highly likely that he would work through most of these issues in the next few months on his own anyway. Yes, they are all within the realm of normal development. But no, I don't like my kid being hurt. He's sensitive. He knows that there are some kids who won't sit next to him because they say he's a fighter. He knows he exasperates his teachers and parents and relatives at times. He's smart, he knows these things.
So, we saw the pediatrician who referred us to a psychologist (i think that's the right one) for some play therapy. Get this, the doctor's name? Dr. Suess. Can't make that up!
We went in for the first discussion/evaluation session yesterday.
Trajan seemed to like her and enjoyed talking to her (hanging on the side of her chair when he came to talk to her like he'd known her for ages). She had legos and scissors, so he's pretty convinced she's good.
45 minutes into the discussion she'd tied together the things we were saying to conclude that while we were seeing his problems as impulse control, they were really more based on language/communication or lack thereof. When she said this, it made complete sense. He really doesn't verbalize emotions very often. In fact, I can only think of one time. We were talking about that and some possible approaches to take when I happened to say something in passing about how I'm not medicated right now because of the whole breastfeeding.
You could almost see her mind race across her face and she declared, "oh, you have ADHD. Everything clicks! This isn't a developmental problem or anything more than some early signs of ADHD."
She laughed and commented on how this made my understanding of Trajan more than Paul does make complete sense and also cleared up why some events had happened. He's not even four yet, so it's not really a diagnosis of ADD, with or without the H, but it does give some insight into thinking about how to handle him.
We are going back next week and she's going to do more of a session with him and then we are going to discuss whether we want to continue doing sessions to work on improving coping mechanisms or if we are going to take more of a hands-off approach for now but with an open mind towards ADD kind of things.
She recommended that we add more rewards-based things into his life and we started this last night with bed time. He goes to bed pretty well, but there's some yelling or crying that normally goes down. For this first week, each day he can earn a truck if he's good with bedtime ritual and going to sleep. He pulled it off last night. Then we can either drop the reward frequency or add more behaviors (like getting himself dressed in the morning).
So, duh!
While the school didn't make any sort of treatment necessary, we were of the opinion that if there was anything we could do to make life easier on him, we should look into doing it. Yes, it is highly likely that he would work through most of these issues in the next few months on his own anyway. Yes, they are all within the realm of normal development. But no, I don't like my kid being hurt. He's sensitive. He knows that there are some kids who won't sit next to him because they say he's a fighter. He knows he exasperates his teachers and parents and relatives at times. He's smart, he knows these things.
So, we saw the pediatrician who referred us to a psychologist (i think that's the right one) for some play therapy. Get this, the doctor's name? Dr. Suess. Can't make that up!
We went in for the first discussion/evaluation session yesterday.
Trajan seemed to like her and enjoyed talking to her (hanging on the side of her chair when he came to talk to her like he'd known her for ages). She had legos and scissors, so he's pretty convinced she's good.
45 minutes into the discussion she'd tied together the things we were saying to conclude that while we were seeing his problems as impulse control, they were really more based on language/communication or lack thereof. When she said this, it made complete sense. He really doesn't verbalize emotions very often. In fact, I can only think of one time. We were talking about that and some possible approaches to take when I happened to say something in passing about how I'm not medicated right now because of the whole breastfeeding.
You could almost see her mind race across her face and she declared, "oh, you have ADHD. Everything clicks! This isn't a developmental problem or anything more than some early signs of ADHD."
She laughed and commented on how this made my understanding of Trajan more than Paul does make complete sense and also cleared up why some events had happened. He's not even four yet, so it's not really a diagnosis of ADD, with or without the H, but it does give some insight into thinking about how to handle him.
We are going back next week and she's going to do more of a session with him and then we are going to discuss whether we want to continue doing sessions to work on improving coping mechanisms or if we are going to take more of a hands-off approach for now but with an open mind towards ADD kind of things.
She recommended that we add more rewards-based things into his life and we started this last night with bed time. He goes to bed pretty well, but there's some yelling or crying that normally goes down. For this first week, each day he can earn a truck if he's good with bedtime ritual and going to sleep. He pulled it off last night. Then we can either drop the reward frequency or add more behaviors (like getting himself dressed in the morning).
So, duh!
Happy Fourth!
We went up to Dallas for the 4th of July. Impressively, we succeeded in leaving Friday right after work/school. This may not sound impressive to you, but having both boys packed and everything organized so we could leave straight from pickups was impressive for me!
We made it to my parents a little before nine on Friday night. Only hiccup is we were moving which room Trajan was sleeping in and he wasn't going for that two hours after bedtime, so I ended up sleeping in one room with both boys and Paul got a room to himself.
Saturday morning, Paul and I went to meet some friends for brunch with Chiron while Trajan went to swim at my aunts. Chiron started his patriotic look off:
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These activities resulted in two sleepy boys:
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We ate some fantastic fajitas my dad made that night and then the boys went to bed. I went and visited a friend in town that night.
On Sunday, we took both boys to meet up with two friends for brunch. No pictures taken there, but it was fun. So was the swimming and fireworks show we hit up that night that I also took no pictures at.
We went to a parade Monday morning. This was the second year we met up with my first friend (I've known her since I was four months and a week old) and her kids and family. I as always didn't take pictures, but I did receive two:
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You can tell Paul was really enjoying my picture taking (it was hot by then and he was taking Chiron back to my parents' house). There was an Apache helicopter there, but Trajan wouldn't let me take his picture with.
So the only 4th of July picture I have of Trajan is with the Hulk after we got back to Austin. We stopped in at the comic book store on our way to pick up Jack and Gretchen.
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Last impressive accomplishment? Last night I had Trajan asleep by 7:30, just the second night after we got back! He always stays up later when we are in Dallas because his cousins do and it just doesn't seem worth it to make him go to bed and miss out on two hours of fun.
We made it to my parents a little before nine on Friday night. Only hiccup is we were moving which room Trajan was sleeping in and he wasn't going for that two hours after bedtime, so I ended up sleeping in one room with both boys and Paul got a room to himself.
Saturday morning, Paul and I went to meet some friends for brunch with Chiron while Trajan went to swim at my aunts. Chiron started his patriotic look off:
These activities resulted in two sleepy boys:
We ate some fantastic fajitas my dad made that night and then the boys went to bed. I went and visited a friend in town that night.
On Sunday, we took both boys to meet up with two friends for brunch. No pictures taken there, but it was fun. So was the swimming and fireworks show we hit up that night that I also took no pictures at.
We went to a parade Monday morning. This was the second year we met up with my first friend (I've known her since I was four months and a week old) and her kids and family. I as always didn't take pictures, but I did receive two:
So the only 4th of July picture I have of Trajan is with the Hulk after we got back to Austin. We stopped in at the comic book store on our way to pick up Jack and Gretchen.
Last impressive accomplishment? Last night I had Trajan asleep by 7:30, just the second night after we got back! He always stays up later when we are in Dallas because his cousins do and it just doesn't seem worth it to make him go to bed and miss out on two hours of fun.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Round Three?
I've repeatedly read that when you're done having kids, you just know. Is the opposite case as clear? If you're not done, is it obvious? Or is feeling that you are definitely not done just a sign of some other psychological condition?
Oddly, I didn't feel complete after Trajan was born, but I also didn't feel this strong imperative to have more either. I just kind of was. We actually started discussing one more pregnancy before Chiron was born, before I even went into the hospital and whenever I'm near that overpass, it always runs across my mind.
Paul has gone from yes to no during the length of Chiron's life. I've gone from yes to I can't contemplate it to I want to, but I think the best thing to do right now is say that I don't need an answer for now. And we don't. We do not have to decide. If we were going to, I imagine we'd want to wait another two years from now anyway.
I feel comfortable enough that I got a Mirena implanted when the mini-pill caused my body to go horror movie on me. It's good for five years, but they can pull it before.
If Paul stays at his current no, it won't matter. Even if it breaks me or leaves a hole that I can't even explain, I know I wouldn't be comfortable talking him into it. The problem for him with another baby is that means another preschooler. The problem for me is that means another lump-a-baby. Lets see how we do with this one first, I guess.
Also, I know intellectually I can't predict where we will be in two years as to whether we can expand our homes, our hearts and our minds for another. Right now, I know we could, but I have to see what happens in the next couple years.
And now for confessions:
One reason I think of for another is something one of my friend's husbands told me about what it was like going through the death of a sibling by himself and how much he wished there had been another sibling. I know babies and children can die. Three gives you more of a support system for their loss and also the possible loss of parents/grandparents.
I love families with three and four kids. However, maybe they have a competency that led them to having more. I love the dynamics of multiple siblings. My dad and his brothers are now in the 50-60 range and I still love the relationship that is between the three of them.
I know one reason I have for considering another pregnancy is to leave a different taste of pregnancy in my mouth. I'm good with babies, but I have some anger towards pregnant women. It's selfish to want to change this, to experience birth based on something other than avoiding negatives. I know that, but I wonder if it's selfish to want to change my mentality because of how it will impact relationships. The boys have a reasonable chance to have kids someday and I want myself to be as positive and healthy about that as possible (and yes, I'm worrying about a 3-year-old and a six-month-old).
I worry that a third would make us make decisions based on there being three rather than what is best (like public versus private school).
I know that there are no guarantees. There's no guarantee against a miscarriage, a stillbirth, a neonatal death, a death from old age ;-). I know there's no guarantees that I won't find a new problem this time, gestational diabetes or one of those liver conditions or something.
I do know that there are great positives about either a boy or a girl, so we wouldn't have to deal with that anxiety. I do know we have the love. I do know Trajan would do well with another sibling. I don't know whether Chiron's birth will require a c-section (the OB has said it is likely it wouldn't). I do know that both the perinatologist and the OB have said that I would be very unlikely to have problems with preterm labor and that I have a fantastic cervix for how well it stood up.
I know that while I don't need an answer right now and honestly can't even generate one, I still think about it every day.
I know I don't like the term rainbow baby. Maybe it's because I had a loss with a live birth, but I don't think so. I think I don't like the term for the same reason I don't like calling Chiron a miracle, it debases all the effort that went into him (see 160 Medical Professsionals) and I think somehow casts those babies who weren't as lucky in a negative light. If we do have another, it will be for him or her as his or her own self.
2013, we will look at it with you.
Adding one last thought: in case anyone reading this is debating a pregnancy after a loss or a NICU stay, here's a fantastic article: http://handtohold.org/resources/helpful-articles/pregnancy-after-preterm-birth-or-loss/. I just tried to add that using safari on the phone since blockades kept catching, so hopefully the link works. Otherwise, I'll fix it tomorrow. It's written by my OB, whom I think is wonderful, and published by a fantastic group in Austin called Hand to Hold.
Oddly, I didn't feel complete after Trajan was born, but I also didn't feel this strong imperative to have more either. I just kind of was. We actually started discussing one more pregnancy before Chiron was born, before I even went into the hospital and whenever I'm near that overpass, it always runs across my mind.
Paul has gone from yes to no during the length of Chiron's life. I've gone from yes to I can't contemplate it to I want to, but I think the best thing to do right now is say that I don't need an answer for now. And we don't. We do not have to decide. If we were going to, I imagine we'd want to wait another two years from now anyway.
I feel comfortable enough that I got a Mirena implanted when the mini-pill caused my body to go horror movie on me. It's good for five years, but they can pull it before.
If Paul stays at his current no, it won't matter. Even if it breaks me or leaves a hole that I can't even explain, I know I wouldn't be comfortable talking him into it. The problem for him with another baby is that means another preschooler. The problem for me is that means another lump-a-baby. Lets see how we do with this one first, I guess.
Also, I know intellectually I can't predict where we will be in two years as to whether we can expand our homes, our hearts and our minds for another. Right now, I know we could, but I have to see what happens in the next couple years.
And now for confessions:
One reason I think of for another is something one of my friend's husbands told me about what it was like going through the death of a sibling by himself and how much he wished there had been another sibling. I know babies and children can die. Three gives you more of a support system for their loss and also the possible loss of parents/grandparents.
I love families with three and four kids. However, maybe they have a competency that led them to having more. I love the dynamics of multiple siblings. My dad and his brothers are now in the 50-60 range and I still love the relationship that is between the three of them.
I know one reason I have for considering another pregnancy is to leave a different taste of pregnancy in my mouth. I'm good with babies, but I have some anger towards pregnant women. It's selfish to want to change this, to experience birth based on something other than avoiding negatives. I know that, but I wonder if it's selfish to want to change my mentality because of how it will impact relationships. The boys have a reasonable chance to have kids someday and I want myself to be as positive and healthy about that as possible (and yes, I'm worrying about a 3-year-old and a six-month-old).
I worry that a third would make us make decisions based on there being three rather than what is best (like public versus private school).
I know that there are no guarantees. There's no guarantee against a miscarriage, a stillbirth, a neonatal death, a death from old age ;-). I know there's no guarantees that I won't find a new problem this time, gestational diabetes or one of those liver conditions or something.
I do know that there are great positives about either a boy or a girl, so we wouldn't have to deal with that anxiety. I do know we have the love. I do know Trajan would do well with another sibling. I don't know whether Chiron's birth will require a c-section (the OB has said it is likely it wouldn't). I do know that both the perinatologist and the OB have said that I would be very unlikely to have problems with preterm labor and that I have a fantastic cervix for how well it stood up.
I know that while I don't need an answer right now and honestly can't even generate one, I still think about it every day.
I know I don't like the term rainbow baby. Maybe it's because I had a loss with a live birth, but I don't think so. I think I don't like the term for the same reason I don't like calling Chiron a miracle, it debases all the effort that went into him (see 160 Medical Professsionals) and I think somehow casts those babies who weren't as lucky in a negative light. If we do have another, it will be for him or her as his or her own self.
2013, we will look at it with you.
Adding one last thought: in case anyone reading this is debating a pregnancy after a loss or a NICU stay, here's a fantastic article: http://handtohold.org/resources/helpful-articles/pregnancy-after-preterm-birth-or-loss/. I just tried to add that using safari on the phone since blockades kept catching, so hopefully the link works. Otherwise, I'll fix it tomorrow. It's written by my OB, whom I think is wonderful, and published by a fantastic group in Austin called Hand to Hold.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Pumping
Pumping as guilt.I wrote down this quick thought as a note the other day and while it's short, I'm impressed with the "trueness" of it. I pump to assuage guilt for an early birth, I pumped to prove that I produce enough for two babies and could have fed them (in progress, I've let go of feeling the need to do this), I pump as some sort of payment in my mind for Chiron being so lucky in the NICU. Who would have thought that one action could be rooted in so many different psychological explanations.
Pumping to prove something.
Pumping as a karmic payment to the universe.
So many reasons, but it comes down to I pump. And pump.
I've now logged over 64 gallons of milk (8199 ounces and 242482 mL) with the first week and a half of my pumping missing from my log. I've got 1137 recorded puming sessions and since I was pumping 10-12 times a day those first days, I have definitely pumped over 1200 times.
I haven't gotten an update from the milk bank recently of how much I've donated, but it was right around 3000 ounces the last time they called me.
Moo.
I honestly have considered stopping some in the last few days, but I don't think that I'm there yet. Chiron has issues with reflux (Zegerid and Bethanochol improve it though) and the gastroenterologist said that it's likely to be best with breast milk. He doesn't seem to require that I do the diet elimination that his brother did, so I think it's best that I keep on carrying on.
To help motivate myself, a list of reasons to keep it up:
1. best for X-man's stomach
2. address all those psychological explanations
3. the excess really can mean the difference between life and death for preemies
4. can't really start up again if I change my mind and while the pumping exists only in the now, the decision is forever
5. I think he may be supposed to take special caloric formula if we move him to formula and that looks expensive
6. don't have to deal with formula diapers!
Anybody else have any other items I can add to my list when I feel whiney/when I'm up in the middle of the night/when I'm figuring out where to pump at a conference/when I'm exploding because I got caught up in meetings/when I'm working out a plugged duct/when my work shirts don't fit because of said lactation?
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Laughter
I have a tendency to not want to do things or make plans that are just fun for me, thinking it's selfish, but whenever I do I'm amazed. By things as little as how good laughter makes me feel. By how much I really do value these days in my existence which really are paradise, even if they're not beautiful.
So, my recommendation is go ahead and do some things just because you like them.
Plus, a bonus picture of Chiron because he fell asleep on the way to daycare dropoff and so I left him in his bucket instead of carrying him and I thought he was cute.
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So, my recommendation is go ahead and do some things just because you like them.
Plus, a bonus picture of Chiron because he fell asleep on the way to daycare dropoff and so I left him in his bucket instead of carrying him and I thought he was cute.
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Friday, June 24, 2011
Bittersweet sentiments
Death mingled with life. Nursery mingled with morgue. Carseat mingled with urn. Death in multiples definitely creates some bittersweet moments.
Yesterday was Chiron's half-year mark. Woot. But while I thought about it at least a half-dozen times, I somehow couldn't bring myself to write anything, not even a quick picture (I cheated with Facebook and did it the day before).
When I think of things that should be happy as events in Chiron's existence I get this tightness in my jaws. It's like the muscles at the hinges of my jaws contract all at once. Why? I think I feel guilt at my bittersweet sentiments.
So, intellectually I think Chiron earns his own six month post, but I just couldn't bring myself to write one, so instead I'll lump in stats here.
Big news is with the exception of showing signs of readiness for food, he hit all of the unadjusted six-month milestones. Woot! Big woot! Also, his length is now on the chart for unadjusted age at the 5% mark at 24.25 inches. His head continues to be huge at 46 centimeters (75% for unadjusted). Actually, it's so huge that we are doing an extra measurement appointment in six weeks. My head is huge and Trajan's is pretty big, so it's probably fine, but just to be sure. His weight is up to 12 pounds, 12 ounces of 5.755 kilograms and while this isn't on the chart, it's good progress for him and over 4 times his birth weight!
I'm resolving to do better for your birthday, little man.
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- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Yesterday was Chiron's half-year mark. Woot. But while I thought about it at least a half-dozen times, I somehow couldn't bring myself to write anything, not even a quick picture (I cheated with Facebook and did it the day before).
When I think of things that should be happy as events in Chiron's existence I get this tightness in my jaws. It's like the muscles at the hinges of my jaws contract all at once. Why? I think I feel guilt at my bittersweet sentiments.
So, intellectually I think Chiron earns his own six month post, but I just couldn't bring myself to write one, so instead I'll lump in stats here.
Big news is with the exception of showing signs of readiness for food, he hit all of the unadjusted six-month milestones. Woot! Big woot! Also, his length is now on the chart for unadjusted age at the 5% mark at 24.25 inches. His head continues to be huge at 46 centimeters (75% for unadjusted). Actually, it's so huge that we are doing an extra measurement appointment in six weeks. My head is huge and Trajan's is pretty big, so it's probably fine, but just to be sure. His weight is up to 12 pounds, 12 ounces of 5.755 kilograms and while this isn't on the chart, it's good progress for him and over 4 times his birth weight!
I'm resolving to do better for your birthday, little man.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Random Tidbits
I feared for his life near constantly while he was inside, but I really think I only feared for his existence once after he was out and in the NICU
I may have answered what's behind space with "space, the final frontier"
There's this link going around of 10 things not to say to preemie parents and I've got to say, these generally don't bother me. I guess I credit most people with good intentions. When you congratulate us on our savings that he can stay in small clothes longer, you don't mean anything bad by this, just commenting. And recognizing that he's just a part of existence.
I love Chiron's face when his brother cries:
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Luckily, Trajan doesn't cry often, but this is consistently Chiron's response to it, great concern. This particular night, Paul actually had to just take him outside until Trajan was calmed down.
Trajan is a goober and I love him immensely:
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Including his fashion sense and his energy:
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And Chiron has giant eyes:
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And in celebration of being about to hit 6 months now fits in 3-6 month clothes!
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And I just realized that it will be a blink of an eye until he goes from that Bumbo to the Learning Tower in the edge of the picture.
I may have answered what's behind space with "space, the final frontier"
There's this link going around of 10 things not to say to preemie parents and I've got to say, these generally don't bother me. I guess I credit most people with good intentions. When you congratulate us on our savings that he can stay in small clothes longer, you don't mean anything bad by this, just commenting. And recognizing that he's just a part of existence.
I love Chiron's face when his brother cries:
Trajan is a goober and I love him immensely:
And Chiron has giant eyes:
And I just realized that it will be a blink of an eye until he goes from that Bumbo to the Learning Tower in the edge of the picture.
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Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Dead Baby Blogs II
Why does this phrase stick with me so much? It's still true that " I can not do anything more for Aurelia. Period."
My other thought from reviewing this post was that I never wrote down what my real fear was. My real fear was that Chiron would be dead too. That they would go for fetal heart tones or a non-stress test and there would be nothing. I honestly think it was over three weeks before I stopped thinking he was dead everytime they hooked the monitors up (which was several times a day).
I love that he was " galloping like a good centaur".
So, is there such a thing as a normal day-to-day experience type blog with a minor side of dead baby? Is that a field? Or just something to disturb the other dead baby seekers (because of the everyday banalities of the rest of my life) and the normal blog readers (because of said dead baby).
We shall see.
My other thought from reviewing this post was that I never wrote down what my real fear was. My real fear was that Chiron would be dead too. That they would go for fetal heart tones or a non-stress test and there would be nothing. I honestly think it was over three weeks before I stopped thinking he was dead everytime they hooked the monitors up (which was several times a day).
I love that he was " galloping like a good centaur".
So, is there such a thing as a normal day-to-day experience type blog with a minor side of dead baby? Is that a field? Or just something to disturb the other dead baby seekers (because of the everyday banalities of the rest of my life) and the normal blog readers (because of said dead baby).
We shall see.
See the Flipside
I said it once, but I need to remind myself, Attitude Matters.
I got stuck in meetings and discussions yesterday afternoon at work and so had to leave to pick up the boys having not pumped since noon or one or so. So, I told Trajan that we would need to pump when we got to the house and then get on with our normal stuff. He followed this up with a question of why. I without much thought said something to the effect of "because Chiron likes milk." His response was "yes, but we need to pump more because of the hospital babies, right? The sick babies need milk and so we pump extra to help them."
Stopped me in my tracks. I've been whining about pumping, because it's a hassle. But it took my three-year-old to drive home how important it is. Not only am I providing Chiron with the food that is supposed to be best for his reflux, but I am also helping multiple preemies and sick infants. Donor milk can be the difference between life and death due to NEC. So, thanks Trajan.
Similarly, I've had this odd funk about the fact that Trajan will never have the luxury of just assuming that a pregnancy will be fine. (Yes, I have been bothered about something my three-year-old might experience whenever he becomes a father. I never said I wasn't crazy). Well, I didn't see the flipside of all he has learned from this experience. That life is precious. That amazing things can be done. That science and study are all important.
My three-year-old declared the other day that there are some things that doctors can not fix. Not a sentiment that you normally hear from a three-year-old, but it's true. And I think his awareness of this is good because he also coupled with a statement that showed an understanding of personal responsibility.
So, time to see the good. To see the magic. To see what has been learned and achieved and conquered. It doesn't mean I will not be aware of the sad and the bad, but I want to make a conscious effort to see the flipside.
I got stuck in meetings and discussions yesterday afternoon at work and so had to leave to pick up the boys having not pumped since noon or one or so. So, I told Trajan that we would need to pump when we got to the house and then get on with our normal stuff. He followed this up with a question of why. I without much thought said something to the effect of "because Chiron likes milk." His response was "yes, but we need to pump more because of the hospital babies, right? The sick babies need milk and so we pump extra to help them."
Stopped me in my tracks. I've been whining about pumping, because it's a hassle. But it took my three-year-old to drive home how important it is. Not only am I providing Chiron with the food that is supposed to be best for his reflux, but I am also helping multiple preemies and sick infants. Donor milk can be the difference between life and death due to NEC. So, thanks Trajan.
Similarly, I've had this odd funk about the fact that Trajan will never have the luxury of just assuming that a pregnancy will be fine. (Yes, I have been bothered about something my three-year-old might experience whenever he becomes a father. I never said I wasn't crazy). Well, I didn't see the flipside of all he has learned from this experience. That life is precious. That amazing things can be done. That science and study are all important.
My three-year-old declared the other day that there are some things that doctors can not fix. Not a sentiment that you normally hear from a three-year-old, but it's true. And I think his awareness of this is good because he also coupled with a statement that showed an understanding of personal responsibility.
So, time to see the good. To see the magic. To see what has been learned and achieved and conquered. It doesn't mean I will not be aware of the sad and the bad, but I want to make a conscious effort to see the flipside.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Labels
aWhy our labels so challenging? Miscarriage versus stillborn? I know with almost every definition she was a stillborn, but I feel like a cheater in the stillborn club. She died at 24,0 or 24,1 which is the very edge of viability.
And then wasn't born for another six weeks.
And we also got a live baby when she was born.
Would I really feel better if there was a perfect label? No, but that doesn't stop it from bothering me.
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And then wasn't born for another six weeks.
And we also got a live baby when she was born.
Would I really feel better if there was a perfect label? No, but that doesn't stop it from bothering me.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Cheers, Trajan Style
While we were in Dallas, we spent some time with my pseudo-aunt and her family. Pseudo-aunt means she was one of my grandparents' exchange students during high school, but I've known her my whole life. They came into the states from various European locations to drive Route 66 in RVs.
We went out to eat with her and Trajan asked to sit next to my cousin Matthew. Now, Matthew is a pretty cool guy, but definitely from a preschoolers perspective. He played professional baseball, is in great shape, smart and just all-around a good guy. See:
This really amused the heck out of me.
I sadly didn't get a shot or video of the actual event, but you can see from Trajan's face how much fan Matt is for him. Just wish we got to see him more often!
We went out to eat with her and Trajan asked to sit next to my cousin Matthew. Now, Matthew is a pretty cool guy, but definitely from a preschoolers perspective. He played professional baseball, is in great shape, smart and just all-around a good guy. See:
Now my favorite memory of the two of them together was when the food arrived. Trajan picked up his cheeseburger, looked at Matthew who also got a cheeseburger and said, "Cheers!" Matt looked confused for a half-second then picked up his cheeseburger and bumped burgers with Trajan saying, "Cheers!" He followed this up with the statement, "Cheers, not just for drinks anymore."
I sadly didn't get a shot or video of the actual event, but you can see from Trajan's face how much fan Matt is for him. Just wish we got to see him more often!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Teaser - Chiron
Ok, so there is a slighter possibility that I might actually document the start of Chiron's life as I got pictures onto a computer the other day. Here's a teaser:
Driving Duo
Last week, Trajan went to Dallas and Oklahoma for the week. I dropped him off and then headed back to Austin (about 200 miles) for the week. He had a roaring good time. Paul had to work, but Chiron and I headed up Friday to see some family/friends, for me to go to a board meeting and to pick Trajan up. The drive up there was completely uneventful. Stopped once for about fifteen minutes to feed him.
The drive back, not so much. I'm sad because I took some moments to stick some notes in blogpress, but apparently didn't save it or publish as a draft, so my little notes are done. Oh well, you mainly miss out on some quotes.
Headed out and made it about ten minutes before Chiron started crying. I found an exit, got him out, changed an identified poopy diaper and determined that he wasn't hungry. Put him back in and within a couple minutes he was crying again. Pulled off the highway again and this time could find nothing I could address. Started driving again, crying started again. Decided to wait five minutes and then pulled off again.
At this point I decided to try a modified cry-it-out procedure. After that five minute period, I next drove for ten minutes with the crying, then fifteen and then twenty. At the break after the twenty minute period I decided to try giving him a dose of one of his acid reflux medicines even though it wasn't due for another five hours. Could have been coincidence, but there was silence for almost twelve minutes after that. Then the wailing came back with a vengeance.
Being the quick thinker that I am, I searched in maps for "elementary school" and found one less than four miles from our location at that point, so I proceeded there thinking that Trajan could play and Chiron could at least have some more substantial time out of the car and perhaps he was hungry at this point.
Note: google for shade.
We were in Lorena, Texas and let it be known that the Lorena Elementary School playground has no shade. However, there was a nice treed area near the front entrance, so I decided we would go over there and Trajan could run around while I changed Chiron again and fed him. He did for a while and dug in the dirt, but then said he wanted to go see if the playground was too hot. It was 102 degrees. But, I didn't see any real reason to not let him go see for himself that it was too hot and there was a shaded walkway from the school to the playground that Chiron and I could sit under, so we went over.
He had a ball. Declared it was not too hot at all. Slid, climbed, spun, laddered and more. I didn't want to take Chiron into the direct sun, so I didn't go touch it, but it sure did look hot.
I shot some video of him because he was just carrying on so impressively with playing and singing, but between my being off under the walkway and some serious wind, not really worth showing.
Then back into the car where the screaming began again. Trajan fell asleep and Chiron was still screaming. Finally, during the 35 minute period he fell asleep and slept all the way to the house. Phew.
Apparently Chiron wasn't traumatized for life, as he looked quite happy when we got home and he was playing a game with Daddy for game night:
The drive back, not so much. I'm sad because I took some moments to stick some notes in blogpress, but apparently didn't save it or publish as a draft, so my little notes are done. Oh well, you mainly miss out on some quotes.
Headed out and made it about ten minutes before Chiron started crying. I found an exit, got him out, changed an identified poopy diaper and determined that he wasn't hungry. Put him back in and within a couple minutes he was crying again. Pulled off the highway again and this time could find nothing I could address. Started driving again, crying started again. Decided to wait five minutes and then pulled off again.
At this point I decided to try a modified cry-it-out procedure. After that five minute period, I next drove for ten minutes with the crying, then fifteen and then twenty. At the break after the twenty minute period I decided to try giving him a dose of one of his acid reflux medicines even though it wasn't due for another five hours. Could have been coincidence, but there was silence for almost twelve minutes after that. Then the wailing came back with a vengeance.
Being the quick thinker that I am, I searched in maps for "elementary school" and found one less than four miles from our location at that point, so I proceeded there thinking that Trajan could play and Chiron could at least have some more substantial time out of the car and perhaps he was hungry at this point.
Note: google for shade.
We were in Lorena, Texas and let it be known that the Lorena Elementary School playground has no shade. However, there was a nice treed area near the front entrance, so I decided we would go over there and Trajan could run around while I changed Chiron again and fed him. He did for a while and dug in the dirt, but then said he wanted to go see if the playground was too hot. It was 102 degrees. But, I didn't see any real reason to not let him go see for himself that it was too hot and there was a shaded walkway from the school to the playground that Chiron and I could sit under, so we went over.
He had a ball. Declared it was not too hot at all. Slid, climbed, spun, laddered and more. I didn't want to take Chiron into the direct sun, so I didn't go touch it, but it sure did look hot.
I shot some video of him because he was just carrying on so impressively with playing and singing, but between my being off under the walkway and some serious wind, not really worth showing.
Then back into the car where the screaming began again. Trajan fell asleep and Chiron was still screaming. Finally, during the 35 minute period he fell asleep and slept all the way to the house. Phew.
Apparently Chiron wasn't traumatized for life, as he looked quite happy when we got home and he was playing a game with Daddy for game night:
Known Issue - Blogger Comments
So, apparently some of us are special: http://knownissues.blogspot.com/2011/05/were-investigating-issue-which-is.html. So it's been a known issue since May 24. Apparently they have fixed it for some people, but I've logged out of all google sites, emptied cache and cookies, unclicked remember me, danced the voodoo dance recommended in the blogger help forums and still no luck. I've experimented with logging in as all kind of other things now, but I really want to just be able to login with my normal google account.
I know I'm whining about my free service, but I'm agitated.
I know I'm whining about my free service, but I'm agitated.
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