So, this has no context since I haven't written anything since going into labor and delivering, but who cares since it's what's on my mind!
Attitude matters. So, we had a snow day today in Austin and I was sitting in the NICU with Chiron enjoying the calm of absence of the other parents and even staff who hadn't ventured out into the roads when the nurse practitioner for the day came along while X (yes, the appropriate shorthand for Chiron) was feeding. She told him something to the effect of keep working at it buddy, it's the one thing you've got to get still to get out of here. I spoke up and said there were two things. She started to question and then said breathing. Then started talking about how he was three days out from an a and b and like five from a non-feeding-related a/b. Fifteen minutes later, a non-feeding-related A and B.
The nurse, who is one of my favorites, was looking at the monitor and trying to come up with an argument to not chart it until I said flat out that all three lines looked like a clear A & B to me. Her response was to ask why was I not throwing things. I didn't know what she meant. At first I thought she was asking why I hadn't gotten her over sooner given he was dusky. No, she meant, why was I not throwing things in despair.
Never thought of despair. The first argument I gave when I tried to explain this to her was that I do not feel his A&Bs are any sort of neurological problem, I think they are just a developmental issue. He's getting there, he's not there yet. So, if all he needs it time, we're golden. Second, this is the longest he's gone without having an A&B. And, he's not on caffeine!
So, I think attitude does matter. At the time I mentioned that having been in the hospital for six weeks before they were born probably tempered my feelings as well. I didn't think of it to express, but having lost Aurelia entirely, having to wait a few more days or weeks seems like such a non-issue. We will do what is best for this child. I have referred to him as our tortoise and this is not a complaint. It is a blessing. He has been slow and steady and progressing from the moment he was born.
Take your time Chiron. We want you home, but we more importantly want you to master doing the things you need to do in this world in your way and in your order. I am confident that your skill in removing an NG tube far exceeds any developmental milestones for your age. Your ability to remove your CPAP while under three pounds. You are you, be you, we will be here. That's a promise.