Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Dead Baby Blogs

I probably need to go back in and fill in the details, but that's not what I'm thinking of tonight. I wrote a pretty good story of what happened the first night in the hospital and I'll probably process updating that at some point, but not tonight.

Tonight what is on my mind is the phrase "dead baby blogs". It's something I came across occasionally in reading blogs, never really thought about, but apparently was aware enough that it pops into my head. However, I don't think I could write one. It's not that she wasn't real, but she never completely was. I don't know what I'm trying to communicate there. I know I prefer to only refer to her as she. Use her proper name, Aurelia, instead of pronouns raises my stress level dramatically. Maybe part of the reason why I feel I can't focus on the loss aspect is that her little brother is still trucking along, galloping like a good centaur. Maybe part of it is because I am hoping to carry her dead body inside me for up to three months. Maybe part of it is knowing I am not supposed to be stressed for Chiron's sake. I can not do anything more for Aurelia. Period. There is nothing. Thus the decisions seem easy to me.

I'm not heartless, it's not that I don't care. I only knew her from ultrasounds, yet there were guesses as to her temperament, primarily centered around her interactions, to dub them politely, with her brother. She was the older one in our earliest ultrasound and now she will forever be Chiron's big sister, it's just we will never get to know her.

I don't know why I'm writing this, but these are the thoughts for the night. Just because you never fully were doesn't mean we didn't love you and don't miss you.

I hate umbilical cords on some level. Uterine replicator for safety please.

1 comment:

  1. Miss Aurelia, cry for Aurelia, mourn Aurelia. Chrion will understand, he knows you need to do it. Aurelia is a loss that is impossible to get over, and just push to the back of your mind. Saying I'm terrible sorry for your loss doesn't seem like enough. I don't know you, but I'm here.