Blogger/Blogspot help

Ok, someone help me out here.  What am I doing wrong that I can't comment on my own posts?  It has the pulldown with select google account like normal, but then it leads me to sign in again.  After I sign in it goes back to what I've written, but in the preview shows "anonymous says" and then won't let me post...

Wrapped Baby

Balance

I've spent a fair bit of time in the last few weeks/months trying to think of what is the appropriate amount to think about/write about Aurelia.  Too much and I worry that I'm harping and not moving on, too little and it's like I'm trying to make her never have existed.  I've finally come to a big old revelation:

There is no right balance.

She is going to play into my thoughts.  She is going to likely take more of a written presence because she does not exist as a concrete presence.  Writing about her less will not mean that I'm wanting to just make Chiron into a singleton and be done with it.  Writing about her more will not mean that I am not healthy or not present in my relationships with others.  Accepting her and her death as a part of reality and dealing with it as it is is my best course of action.

Social Networking

So, I am still considering writing out Chiron's (and thus our whole family's) story, but just haven't really made strides in that direction.  The one thing I did do a couple months ago was to download my Facebook data so I could look through what I wrote there to help give me context and information.  I found this status:

has realized one thing she realy values about facebook: recognizing that in the good and the bad of life, you're not alone.  Others do and are experiencing similar things.  And more than that, people care.  Thank you all for existing.

I wrote this on April 19, 2010.  Before I was even pregnant.  While I believed it at the time, I did not know the degree to which it was true yet.  Another status I found was written on November 12, 2010 at 23:44:

is processing.  Sometime between Wednesday morning and before this morning, the girl twin died.  No abnormalies or infections to give an idea of why, so focusing now on giving the boy twin as long as possible to grow and develop.  This was just past 24 weeks.  No guarantees obviously, but hopeful thoughts.

The response to this showed the absolute truth of the first status.  So, thanks for existing social network. I knew I needed to update through Facebook and so I did and both the act of doing so and the responses I received really helped me through the following weeks/months.  Had it not been for Facebook, I know I wouldn't have reached out to tell people who reached out to help me since they knew through Facebook. 

And that's a convoluted enough sentence to justify stopping here.

Quantification

I quantify things, by nature and for a living. But I've come to realize you can't quantify a loss.

I am so thankful for Chiron that sometimes I feel I shouldn't mourn for Aurelia or feel like she counts as a true stillbirth.

I sometimes realize that I have a living, breathing, squirming example of exactly how old she would be.

I have just come to realize that it's impossible the rank the loss as either better or worse because they were twins. It is neither.

I hope my continued (not sure what the right word is: pain, loss, unhappiness, grief) over her death doesn't somehow mean I do not value him enough. Somehow they are independent at least in my mind.


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Quick Followup

So,  I went with a real light discussion of how he should sleep (re: my under or over reaction) and it seemed to go really well and he's been sleeping SIDS-appropriate everytime we have seen him since.  Also gave a good occasion for a reminder to the teacher of his adjusted age (the director is definitely very clear on this) which seemed to really help since he is the third child of his gestational age they've had at this small (100ish) daycare in the last year.

We remain very, very happy with all other aspects of his care and are really happy with this placement so far.

I'm either overreacting or underreacting...

So, Chiron had his first day of daycare yesterday. We placed him in the daycare that we'd picked back in late summer/early fall for the two of them. It's different from the two we used for Trajan, but we were happy with the choice. It's smaller (109 is what they are licensed for and they only have six infant spots), but they really seem to care about the kids and interact well. Paul described it something to the effect of less "show" and more "care". We received glowing recommendations from parents current and past, found a great state inspection record and just liked them. Chiron and I visited a couple times the week before and all seemed good.

Dropped him off for the first morning. He seemed happy and contented and responded well to some songs and rhymes and the like.

Picked him up and this was what I saw:

My first reaction was that he looked peaceful and content, then it hit me "oh my gosh, he looks different because he's on his stomach!" I didn't say anything, got him and left. Paul wasn't concerned. Trajan could roll from his back to his stomach by like five weeks and did so.

I went and found the daycare regulations for Texas (http://www.dfps.state.tx.us/documents/Child_Care/pdf/746_weighted-formatted-pg_adopted_12-10_rules.pdf) and they say

Subchapter H, Basic Care Requirements for Infants

September 2003

High Infants not yet able to turn over on their own must be placed in a face-up sleeping position, unless the child’s parent presents written documentation from a health-care professional stating that a different sleeping position is allowed or will not harm the infant.

§746.2427 Are infants required to sleep on their backs?

I have not said anything. I think the appropriate response is just to ask about it when I pick him up today? Part of the paperwork we filled out included what position he likes to sleep in and I only checked back. Note: he does not rollover from back to front typically (it has happened, but I'm labelling that as a fluke).

So I'm pretty sure I'm either over or under reacting and I don't know what. Oh, other than the whole sleeping on his stomach with a blanket thing, was very happy with his care yesterday. They got enough food into him, got him to take nice regular sleep intervals and he was in great physical shape and mood.

Argh.

Admit Defeat

So, I started getting information and pictures together to document Chiron's life to date a few weeks ago, but I am now going to admit defeat.  Well, at least admit defeat until X is in daycare (hopefully starting May 2) and thus I am able to work at work full-time.  Right now Paul is going into his office two days a week and I am going into mine three.  Seems like it would be enough, but it's not.  Even with working remotely, I am absolutely drowning.  I anticipate that I will have to come back tonight as soon as Trajan gets to bed and am hoping to make it home before he wakes up.  And then I'm considering risking bringing Chiron into the office tomorrow, that's how much I'm drowning.

So, I'm not writing the life summaries.  I'm not writing a post about how Trajan seems to require absurd amounts of sleep that make it difficult to get to play and interact with him enough given that we work full-time.  I'm not going to write about how I still haven't gotten used to the fact that most people have forgotten that Aurelia ever existed and so they will say stupid things.  I'm not going to write about how meal planning is made more complicated by a spouse following the four-hour body (though it seems to be working great for him, so I'm definitely not complaining).

I am going to order Jimmy John's despite being tired of it because they will deliver it and thus it will take the least time.  I am going to suck down water like even more of a freak than normal to keep myself moving and energetic. I am going to do my best to pull off the impossible.  I am going to send emails to people on a few of these projects to see if there is any wiggle room.  I am going to give up and admit that I will just use the previous presentors powerpoint for a training I'm teaching in a few weeks because I will not get mine (which is only a third done) completed by the due date of tomorrow.

I am going to fly like a superhero.  Whoosh!

Random Short Thoughts II

• Progress from last Random Short Thoughts as the Bristol Zoo lions now only produce smiles from me.

• Sometimes I wonder why we bother to feed this kid.  Obviously, not really, but I do get frustrated with the reflux.  Paul has a better attitude: "net is a percentage of gross"

• I may never get these events/picture posts up recapping his life.  I really did start them as requested, but progress isn't too fast.  Maybe when we all get back at work full-time I'll get more productive.

• I have now thought I was depressed-like twice since Chiron was born.  Both turned out to be blocked ducts/mastitis/breast infection type things.  So, if I claim to be depressed again, someone tell me to do a breast exam.

• It's odd to have a living, breather example of exactly how old a stillborn child would be at any moment.

• I really am going to write my pumping summary guide.  Really, before a good friend who asked about it goes into labor.

• I find it very amusing when I read Wordless Wednesday posts that are chockfull of words

• I think this is a great article.  We aren't there yet, but it's nice to know people think about it.  And it happens to be written by my fabulous OB.

• And I love this picture.  There are some that are more traditionally "sweet", but this just makes me happy

• I am really having fun being able to experience both boys together "on my own".  This is probably a normal thing for most parents, but between Chiron being in the NICU and not being able to go most places, I'm just starting to have opportunities where I can do things with the two of them.  And I like it.

PTSD

Was reviewing the symptoms of PTSD in an article a friend sent me and while I don't quite meet the diagnostic criteria relating to the 2010 pregnancy as I've taken to calling it, I do find I completely meet the criteria when considering my experience with braces. Seriously, nightmares and all.

In all seriousness, I had a blah day today. I got through their due date without even really a moment of pause (3/4), but from the time I labelled some milk for the donor milk bank this morning with 4/4, I've been in a funk.

Intellectually, I completely get the optimize the reality in which you live, but I do have these occasion moments of regret (is that the right word?) for a lost reality even though it never actually was.

A funk might not even be the right word, I was a bit sensitive to the world.

That's all.



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ABCs of Me

I’ve started myself on a handful of blog ideas that I’ll probably never finish writing and thus never post again, so I thought a quick distraction of the ABCs that my friend Meg posted sounded like fun.

A. Age: 29. And yes, for the first time.
B. Bed Size: King. Was very helpful for my pillow abuse during my second pregnancy.
C. Chore you hate: Oh dear god, is there an option where I can write all? Sigh, I judge me. I actually enjoy cleaning bathrooms. That’s a much shorter list. I guess chore that I really hate is changing the toilet paper roll.
D. Dogs: Two! Jack and Gretchen. Jack who will be eight on the twenty-first was even our best dog. Gretchen is his niece and is two.
E. Essential start to your day: Honestly, peeing.
F. Favorite color: brushed nickel – shiny!
G. Gold or silver: silver – shiny!
H. Height: 5’10” in the morning, 5’9.5” at night.
I. Instruments you play: played the string bass from 3rd grade to 9th when my schedule couldn’t fit it anymore including playing both Carnegie and the Kennedy Center with National Youth Symphony Orchestra (or some name kind of like that), but I tried hard rather than being really any good.
J. Job Title: I think it’s just Actuary.
K. Kids: Trajan was born in August of 2007 and Chiron was born in December 2010. Still not good at knowing what my answer to this question is yet though, because we also had a daughter, Aurelia, who was stillborn in December 2010.
L. Live: Austin, TX.
M. Mom’s Name: Melinda
N. Nicknames: Superbear is the most common
O. Overnight hospital stays: Those of you who actually know me just laughed, didn’t you? One night the day I was born, five nights when I was 17 and had jaw and sinus surgery, one night following an ankle and shoulder surgery that didn’t go as planned, two nights as a patient and two as a “boarder” when Trajan was born and 53 days between the preterm labor, delivery and mastitis readmit with the twins’ pregnancy.
P. Pet peeve: people leaving a car out of gas
Q. Quote from a movie: “Viet-&*%^ing-nam”. I’m pretty sure I’d never actually heard anyone use this particular profanity before Forrest Gump and I more or less missed the rest of the movie repeating it in my head.
R. Right or left-handed: my left hand is dominant, but I was encouraged to do things right handed. I do, just not very well. I have always claimed to be neither-handed rather than ambidextrous.
S. Siblings: one older brother Michael
T. Time you wake up: Between 5 and 6 since November, but I seem to be getting back to as late as I can get away with, aka 7:03.
U. Underwear: started wearing the Victoria Secret v-strings in high school and haven’t looked back. I actually had to order some new underwear (bikini) while in the hospital for extended lounging.
V. Vegetables you dislike: are olives a vegetable?
W. What makes you run late: Trajan is the most likely candidate
X. X-Rays you’ve had: can I plead the fifth?
Y. Yummy food you make: I can make guacamole and tres leches…
Z. Zoo animal: love sea lions.

No AA, so that’s it!

Trajanism

Chiron is a pirate. Because he never brushes his teeth!


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Tooth fairy and death

I went to pick Trajan up from school to take him to the dentist. He was in the lunchroom and since we had a little time, I sat with him. On hearing that Trajan was going to the dentist, one of his friends volunteered that his sister had lost a tooth and the tooth fairy had brought her a dollar.

Trajan's response? My sister died. He then proceeded to explain the concept of an umbilical cord to his friend.

This played into a thought I had yesterday. He will never have the luxury of assuming a pregnancy will be fine. It seems unfair somehow.

Oddly, I don't have the same thought about Chiron. Yes, intellectually he will know babies can die, but he didn't actually live it.

Also oddly, I sometimes worry about him making other people uncomfortable talking about Aurelia. Intellectually, I think that's their problem and I care much more about his processing and understanding, but it still seems awkward to me at times.

Ok, now to watch the cleaning. "the chair is so soft and nice!"




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Catastrophic

I don’t like the word catastrophic.

The appointment where the demise was found was different from any other I had ever had. My doctor was on maternity leave, so I was seeing a different doctor in the office. For the first time ever. Paul did not come with me. For the first time ever. Because I was seeing the different doctor, I was taken back through a different door and even to a different bathroom for the traditional urinary sample.

I am glad, because my associations are not with anything that is normal.

The doctor who was covering also had a resident working with her, another event I’d never experienced before. The resident came in first and tried to find my fundus, gossiped about her twins and was surprised and complimentary about my still having the ability to curl up to sitting from lying down on my own. There was something odd about her. I honestly can’t remember exactly what it was. I think it was that she had blue hair. It may have been blond hair with blue streaks, but I really think the odd thing revolved around blue hair. This seems highly improbable, but that’s what my memory has settled on.

The covering doctor came in and was chatting. She asked which flavor of the glucose drink I wanted to take home. Lemon-lime. That was my choice, I can remember that.

She honestly seemed like she was already moving on and essentially done by the time she started the ultrasound. They did this every visit to check the heartbeats.

She asked if we knew their genders. I said yes.

She started with “A” but made some dissatisfied type noises. Because of the gender comment, I at first thought these noises were because she couldn’t see the genitalia. I made some flip comment about misbehaving. She moved on to “B” saying something to the effect of “we’ll do this one first then and come back.” Everything was good with “B” and then she moved back to “A”. Having just seen “B”, I now immediately knew what was wrong. I didn’t believe myself, but I knew what was wrong.

There was no heartbeat.

I didn’t say anything. I just laid there and watched as she continued to hunt in silent desperation. I watched as the only motion came from the reaction following the action of “B’s” motion. I watched as there was no beating. Then she said the words. “I’m afraid something catastrophic seems to have happened.” I think she might have prefaced this with an “I’m sorry” or something to that effect, but it was the word catastrophic that I heard. It was the word catastrophic that confirmed to me that I was correct and Aurelia was dead. Until I heard that word, I really thought in my head that I was being an alarmist over-reacting freak crediting herself with more medical knowledge than she actually had. Nope, I am qualified to see still versus not.

I still hear the word catastrophic in my head sometimes, but it’s no longer a word that I chose to use.

Catastrophic.

An event resulting in great loss and misfortune
A state of extreme, usually irremediable, ruin and misfortune

It was the right word.

Heart Sounds

Chiron has had a murmur since around six weeks of age.  This never really worried anyone in the NICU.  It’s a grade II or III.  The explanation I was given for why they weren’t concerned was the timing of its appearance, relatively late, and the fact that he wasn’t exhibiting other symptoms that would go along with a more concerning murmur. 

We were told it was most likely a PPS or a peripheral pulmonary stenosis which occurs in as many as 50% of children and is “innocent”, “benign” and “normal”.  This murmur doesn’t even actually occur in the heart as it has to do with the size of the blood vessels that carry blood to the lungs.

No echo was done in the NICU and I was comfortably convinced that it wasn’t an issue we needed to worry about.  Got discharged and saw his pediatrician and heard pretty much the same thing.  Saw his pediatrician last Friday and nothing was said.

Tuesday, Paul took Chiron into the pediatrician for his Synagis shot and he saw the other doctor while he was there and she heard the murmur and gave us a cardiologist consult.  It is scheduled for first thing Monday morning.

My thinking is two-fold in response to this.  First response was kind of an argh, lots of people know about it and no one has been worried, so why are you artificially creating stress and worry in my life?  And then I wrapped around to a different way of thinking.  It concerned me when the murmur occurred.  I wanted a definite clear answer.  I got to the point that I was comfortable with a “probable” diagnosis based more on elimination and experience, but he was never confirmed as having a PPS.  So, now my thought is this will allow us to have an absolute, clear answer on why he has the murmur and we won’t have any lingering uncertainty.  If it is a PPS, apparently that doesn’t even need to be marked on dental forms.

So, why am I still a little anxious at the idea of a cardiologist consult? 

For full confession, I’m a little anxious about him at other times.  Definitely not regularly, but like at times.  Like when I hear a story of a kid not getting diagnosed or really showing signs of CP until 6 months or a year.  Honestly it’s the possible uncertainty that bothers me the most. 

Intellectually I know he has good medical care and we will do what he needs and we are lucky enough to have the family and friend support as well as financial support to confidently know we will be able to do that no matter what form “what he needs” takes, but I still just would rather know.  And intellectually I know that multiple doctors have indicated that they don’t expect any long-term issues with him, but who really does expect long-term issues?!?

Side grumble: as I went to type this title into blogspot, typing Hea in the line pulled up Heart and Eggplant.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

"It's me first St. Patrick's Day!" is the text of the shirt

I need Trajan to get back to have a more cooperative model.  He is out of town enjoying time with his grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousins.  Either that or I need to find the actual camera instead of trying to get away with taking pictures with my phone!

I actually thought St. Patrick's Day was yesterday for a good part of the day.  This is a fun week: Pi Day, the Ides of March and St. Patrick's Day!

Size Comparison

So, we have friends who have a baby who is almost a month younger than Chiron (1.5 months older than him adjusted). They were over Sunday and we made a size comparison:





Chiron is on the right. Not too far off in size!

She definitely has his butt kicked in the head control department though.

Ok, when I reviewed these, she's a fair bit bigger than him and does look older too. But not as far as I had expected...

Happy Pi Day!

Dairy Cow Express!

Much like the Pony Express, but with breastmilk.  I've been working at figuring out the logistics of shipping breast milk and it is complicated!  The excess milk is currently in our deep freeze, but we have to figure out getting it packaged so that it will arrive on the west coast still frozen. 

I'm thankful for surrogates, because websites dealing with surrogacy have a fair bit of information on breastmilk shipping.  It looks like the method we are going to try first is a styrofoam cooler lined with aluminum foil filled with the  breastmilk containers (I'm going to select out the ones that are full rather than half way to cut down on the dead space) and then broken up chunks of dry ice.  If there is any space at the top, I'm to fill it with newspaper.  Then the cooler gets packed into a cardboard box and shipped overnight.

Still need to talk to the UPS store to find out what time I should pack it and drop it off to achieve the least "extra" time the milk is out before being overnighted.

Dropping it off at the milk bank is much simpler.  How I wish milk banks had reciprocal arrangements like blood banks so I could donate here and they could extract there!

I'm hoping that only this first time is difficult and then it gets straight forward, because otherwise I can't see myself being able to pull this off going forward.  Particularly during the time that Chiron can't go inside places...

Trajanism

"I don't want to take a nap. It's not beautiful." - Trajan