Thursday, November 8, 2012

Veteran's Day

I doubt I'll ever be good at Veterans Day. It really kind of ticks me off irrationally that I intentionally avoided noting the exact days until it registered that Veterans Day is the same date each year.

I know it's bad and wrong to dislike Veterans Day, but I do.

Going to Trajan's Veterans Day assembly tomorrow though because I go each Friday. And it's important that I go each Friday. I will likely bring Chiron along in the ergo. How can it be that just two years ago I was 24 weeks pregnant with both him and Aurelia moving and grooving?

I have said it before, but I wouldn't undo her existence. I think it has made me a better person. But if you gave me the power to make an impossible wish, as Trajan dubbed it, come true? Yes, I would rather she had lived and we had known her alive and outside my body.

It's a bit more complicated process as I feel confident we wouldn't have Aletheia and Ari if Aurelia had lived as I wouldn't have stopped breastfeeding entirely when Chiron was moved to prescription formula, but my approach is the compartmentalization of each question. I want them all. Greedy soul.

So, I'm sorry I still have thus Veterans Day hangup. I'm really quite good over all and I'm betting the veterans will forgive me this quirk.

And have I mentioned, sometimes I'm completely floored by how completely and with my whole being I love these kids. I'm not sure I thought I'd be the best parent or whatever in advance, but I really think I've found one of my strengths and a great ability within myself as their mom. Like their firstborn sister, they've all made me a better person.

And the random ramble ends.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

4 comments:

  1. It's not being greedy when it's about your children.

    I'll tell you a little story that might resonate with your experience. My dear friend, who was going through infertility treatments simultaneously with me, kept getting pregnant and losing babies 12-16 weeks in. Finally, after the 4th loss, they turned to adoption. 18 months later, they met their daughter in China. She was 2, born on Christmas day. A year and a half later, almost 4 years of age, she told my friend, out of the blue, "It took a long time for you to find me." My friend questioned her, and her daughter said, "I tried a lot of times to be borned to you. And when I finally got borned, it was the wrong mommy. So, I waited for you to find me."

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  2. Tonight I am left without words. We just do not know the depth of your feelings. True she will always be a part of you and most likely you would not have the girls had she lived. I often look at my youngest child and think the same. Had our Jeffery Matthew lived, Gina would have never been a part of our life. It doesn't lessen the depth of our loss of Jeffery, but I could not imagine life today without Gina.
    I got chills when I read what Rowdy Girls Mama wrote.

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  3. I wouldn't have Hunter right now if my twins hadn't died in utero (though long before viability) but in my ideal world I'd have four children instead of two. I think it's totally natural to want that. And to associate certain days and times of the year with that moment in time when everything changed. Feel what you need to feel.

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