Quantification

I quantify things, by nature and for a living. But I've come to realize you can't quantify a loss.

I am so thankful for Chiron that sometimes I feel I shouldn't mourn for Aurelia or feel like she counts as a true stillbirth.

I sometimes realize that I have a living, breathing, squirming example of exactly how old she would be.

I have just come to realize that it's impossible the rank the loss as either better or worse because they were twins. It is neither.

I hope my continued (not sure what the right word is: pain, loss, unhappiness, grief) over her death doesn't somehow mean I do not value him enough. Somehow they are independent at least in my mind.


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Quick Followup

So,  I went with a real light discussion of how he should sleep (re: my under or over reaction) and it seemed to go really well and he's been sleeping SIDS-appropriate everytime we have seen him since.  Also gave a good occasion for a reminder to the teacher of his adjusted age (the director is definitely very clear on this) which seemed to really help since he is the third child of his gestational age they've had at this small (100ish) daycare in the last year.

We remain very, very happy with all other aspects of his care and are really happy with this placement so far.

I'm either overreacting or underreacting...

So, Chiron had his first day of daycare yesterday. We placed him in the daycare that we'd picked back in late summer/early fall for the two of them. It's different from the two we used for Trajan, but we were happy with the choice. It's smaller (109 is what they are licensed for and they only have six infant spots), but they really seem to care about the kids and interact well. Paul described it something to the effect of less "show" and more "care". We received glowing recommendations from parents current and past, found a great state inspection record and just liked them. Chiron and I visited a couple times the week before and all seemed good.

Dropped him off for the first morning. He seemed happy and contented and responded well to some songs and rhymes and the like.

Picked him up and this was what I saw:

My first reaction was that he looked peaceful and content, then it hit me "oh my gosh, he looks different because he's on his stomach!" I didn't say anything, got him and left. Paul wasn't concerned. Trajan could roll from his back to his stomach by like five weeks and did so.

I went and found the daycare regulations for Texas (http://www.dfps.state.tx.us/documents/Child_Care/pdf/746_weighted-formatted-pg_adopted_12-10_rules.pdf) and they say

Subchapter H, Basic Care Requirements for Infants

September 2003

High Infants not yet able to turn over on their own must be placed in a face-up sleeping position, unless the child’s parent presents written documentation from a health-care professional stating that a different sleeping position is allowed or will not harm the infant.

§746.2427 Are infants required to sleep on their backs?

I have not said anything. I think the appropriate response is just to ask about it when I pick him up today? Part of the paperwork we filled out included what position he likes to sleep in and I only checked back. Note: he does not rollover from back to front typically (it has happened, but I'm labelling that as a fluke).

So I'm pretty sure I'm either over or under reacting and I don't know what. Oh, other than the whole sleeping on his stomach with a blanket thing, was very happy with his care yesterday. They got enough food into him, got him to take nice regular sleep intervals and he was in great physical shape and mood.

Argh.