I quantify things, by nature and for a living. But I've come to realize you can't quantify a loss.
I am so thankful for Chiron that sometimes I feel I shouldn't mourn for Aurelia or feel like she counts as a true stillbirth.
I sometimes realize that I have a living, breathing, squirming example of exactly how old she would be.
I have just come to realize that it's impossible the rank the loss as either better or worse because they were twins. It is neither.
I hope my continued (not sure what the right word is: pain, loss, unhappiness, grief) over her death doesn't somehow mean I do not value him enough. Somehow they are independent at least in my mind.
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I don't think it is just in your mind. I truly believe that the two states can co-exist, complete happiness and grief are, bizarrely and unbelievably, not mutually exclusive. I wouldn't have believed it three years ago but it is possible to be deliriously happy and grateful whilst simultaneously grieving and being mad as all hell.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter, Aurelia. You gave her a beautiful name.
Not quite sure how I found your blog but, as a mother of a single twin who also happens to quantify stuff for a living, I had to comment.