Thursday, December 9, 2010

Selfishness, balance and ideal?

So, I caught myself thinking positively towards a scenario that I know

I know intellectually that I want the ideal situation. Ideal in this case means not developing a problem coagulating my blood called DIC. I think this means disseminated intravascular coagulation, but in a passing comment with a nurse the nickname of Death is Coming came up and that is not soothing. My levels are still within normal, but they do drop from week to week, so we want to keep this possible condition at bay as long as possible, like into February. Ideal also means keeping both babies in until again, sometime in February.

It is a must riskier proposition to deliver Twin A, Aurelia, and then stop labor. It does help diminish the risk of DIC almost entirely, but it will create an additional potential source of infection. It does seem like everything they do they mention the infection risk, but in this case they would deliver her, put her cord back up inside and then administer magnesium sulfate again, so I can where the clear infection risk would come from because something that had been on the outside would be placed back in the uterus.

So, while I see the advantages of the ideal and intellectually am rooting for it, I do appreciate some of the selfish advantages to the second plan. I think my degree of selfishness is such that I'm definitely not rooting for this course, but if it does happen, I will seem gold in the lining. Note: these advantages are mainly truly selfish. First, the day I deliver her and she officially becomes a stillborn (rather than a stillfetus?) would not be his birthday. Second, it may already be too late, but they said the earlier I delivered her, the more she would look like a small but perfect baby and with the passage of time, the more she will come to resemble more just tissue. Again, this is just selfish. I can no longer help her in any way. In some warped way I view the longer we can hold her in as a last gift to the brother she will never know.

I guess this is just my confession. I know intellectually that Chiron's entire life hangs in the balance and the quality of it is improved by every single day that things remain calm, I avoid preterm labor and I don't develop conditions of DIC or preeclampsia, but sometimes I just want some resolution for Aurelia.

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