I don't know when exactly it happened, but my mindset has changed at some point.
Not only am I not thinking that these two girls are dead, I'm acting based on an underlying assumption that they will be here, alive and relatively close to when we expect. I'm employing a whole person based on this belief. Changing rooms and schedules and things like that.
Not only that, but I realized this week with my 20-week OB and perinatologist appointments that I am not expecting bad news. I am not ramping up my blood pressure for appointments.
I know that bad things can and do happen, but I'm not EXPECTING them.
Everything I've read and heard from professionals makes me think this is weird. I'm supposed to be getting more worked up as we near the point in the pregnancy that Aurelia died. But I'm not. At all.
Maybe in part it's because I know she died at a really unusual point in the pregnancy. If you look at the fetal mortality curves, her dying at 24 weeks was just odd. So, maybe that's part of why I'm not worried?
Or maybe it's just the nature of the human spirit to be naive almost and expect a good outcome?
I still looked for their heartbeats and was glad to see them, but I had zero of the feeling of desperation as I waited. I had zero feeling of they are going to be dead. Appointments involved some jokes and calmness.
Maybe part of the early nervousness came from the fact that these two girls are such a surprise and so I wasn't mentally already worked up to be pregnant? And so I had to process that?
Maybe I'm just a stupid naive fool?
But I don't think so.
And what's interesting is the doctors seem to have arrived at this place at the same time. I scheduled FOUR-week appointments with both of them. I've been doing weekly or biweekly, so this is a huge jump. No longer worried about cervix, placenta location, implications of the iud being there at conception... I know they are still going to be doing more BPPs and monitoring the placentas and some stuff like that, but the language is starting to sound like these actions are to be cautious and to take the conservative approach more than because something bad is expected.
The next appointments are at 24-weeks. Last time, that was the perinatologist appointment where they both labelled perfect and viable and the obstetrician appointment of the word catastrophic. I imagine I will have some anxiety at this point, but I completely know that it is not rational fear and I think that will help me. And I will have the perinatologist that I like and the OB who is truly probably the best practicing doctor of any specialty that I have ever known. That and a little faith and I'm expecting even my blood pressure will be ok.
One last thought I had today. I was leaving work when I realized that these two will count as people rather than medical waste now even if they do not stay alive. This may sound dark to you, but this was a very happy and peaceful thought to me.
Life is good, I am very blessed and that's really pretty much it.
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