Live-Live

Perhaps the most frequent question I've gotten is "what do you want them to be?"  People mean boy-girl, boy-boy or girl-girl, but my answer is live-live.  I really don't care if they are so new model all together, alive is what I want.

As a result, I've had trouble even entertaining the topic of genders.  Yes, we are going to find out.  I like to consider logistics and planning and knowing their genders will help with that a lot.  And, we have one heck of a sibset in terms of names, Trajan Alexander, Aurelia Diane and Chiron Falco, so only having to come up with two more is a huge relief versus FOUR.

But in my continued pursuit to be honest with myself, the internet and my oversharing with the universe, I feel like I need to think through what I really think.  I compromised earlier and wrote out some of my thoughts in a comment, but as we approach hopefully knowing genders on Monday, I think I need to lay out where my mind is, right now.

My earliest thoughts were two: I'd prefer if they are the same sex because either four boys in the house or two girls and two boys seems like it would be easier logistically and the harder one to admit is that I don't want them to be boy-girl.

I'll take the second thought first since it's a bit darker or more unpleasant to have to disclose.  I don't mean I don't want them to be boy-girl in that I wouldn't want them, but that I'd prefer they aren't.  Why?  Well, the politically correct answer is that the logistics of three boys and a girl in the house would be harder.  The more real reason is wanting to get away from the feeling of deja vu that I have been experiencing.  Being either girl-girl or boy-boy will break the cycle on some level.  Not that I will sink in despair if they are boy-girl, far from it (refer back to live-live), but I think it will raise my anxiety some.

Now that I've done the dark side, my lighter analysis on the pros and cons of each option prior to knowing what they are.

Either boy-boy or girl-girl keeps us having an even number of each gender living in the house.  As I'm trying to preserve a guest bedroom as long as possible, I think this will simplify things.

Advantages of two boys: have the clothes, used to boys and  just means we embrace boyhood.

Advantages of two girls: Paul's funny line that we'd be 2/3s of the way to the Brady Bunch (5/6s counting Aurelia, but as she doesn't live in the house, 2/3s makes more sense).  Having an easy label to call these youngest two that would not be "the twins", instead "the girls".  While I know it is unlikely that I will avoid them being referred to as the twins, I'm just not ready to accept that yet and so having this alternative is a plus.  And finally, as I've worried some about Trajan and Chiron losing some of their closeness due to Trajan retreating from the "babies" in self-defence, having the little two be girls could help keep Trajan and Chiron close.  Add in that girls do best in the NICU and fetuses do better for having a female co-fetus and you have some pretty good arguments for girls.

Advantages of one of each:  I honestly haven't considered this one as much, and I know I should work on that, because it is the most likely outcome (assuming they are fraternal), but here's what I have so far.  First, I was the first girl born into the paternal line of my dad's family in 86 years.  I grew up with 8 male cousins and one female cousin and it was always nice having a pack of boys who had my back.  If we have one of each, I hope my daughter has the same experience.  And then there's the Chinese argument (Chiron goes to an Asian American Cultural Center for daycare) that the most blessed combination is boy-girl and they are called dragon-phoenix twins.

I really have no "gut feeling" or anything on what they are.  I do have two bits of circumstantial evidence that have me leaning towards thinking at least one is a girl: of our previous three kids, both boys were called at 12 weeks, making me think there's a greater chance one or both of these are girls and something my OB said.  At my 14 week appointment, she said she couldn't declare them yet using the portable ultrasound, but then when she finished she said, "wouldn't it be something if they are both girls?"  It didn't strike me until an hour later or so, but this seems like it could mean she was thinking they are girls, but just didn't feel comfortable calling them. Those facts plus the fact that Karen says they're girls and that's the entirety of my evidence!

But after all this analysis, I want to draw back to a key point.  I am rooting for live-live and healthy and that is it.  I will not mourn for even a second on being told any of the possible gender combinations if they can just be alive and growing.  But now I've at least thought through my thoughts and documented what I am thinking and feeling.  Including the full-out admission that I've given up on trying to protect myself at all and I love you both, whoever you may be.

Monday morning is the 16-week anatomy scan at the perinatologist and he said at the 12-week scan he would be able to tell us then.  That said, last time neither Chiron or Aurelia would show the goods at all at their 16-week scan, so I'm not counting it as a guarantee.  But I really do hope they are able to tell us, inquiring minds need to know.