I think I may be not seeing some other side of the coin, so here's wondering if there's something I'm not seeing and someone can make me see straight.
Context: Trajan had tonsils and adenoids out almost a week ago. He's been a complete trooper, but like clockwork, he started complaining yesterday of pain. They'd told us to expect this because of the cauterization. Paul also had vasectomy yesterday afternoon and I'm still living at the Seton Resort and Spa.
School has been giving Trajan his ibuprofen doses during the day, but they forgot the four pm yesterday, so he took some around six. He then woke up at midnight calling and asking for his ibuprofen and again at five thirty. He went back to sleep after each dose.
Here's the part where I'm guessing that maybe I'm just not seeing things from Paul's view and so need some help. Paul was irritated at Trajan for not wanting to take his antibiotics this morning. Then he went into a rant (to me, NOT where Trajan could hear) about being upset with Trajan for waking him up. My thought is Trajan did exactly what he should do and shouldn't have just laid there hurting.
I gave sympathy for it not being fun and being annoying to be woken up and acknowledged that Paul would rather sleep through the night, but in my mind, that's just a part of life. And getting upset about it does no good. And that he'd be MUCH better off to accept the reality he's in and optimize instead of getting mad at the kid.
Well, this upset him and he declared that I was saying that he didn't have a right to feel how he felt about things. This isn't really what I meant, I more just meant that feeling or doing something that has no possible positive outcome just doesn't make sense to him.
And then I said that I honestly didn't have empathy for him for having to wake up twice in the night to give ibuprofen. That I could agree that it wasn't fun and would be better to not, but that that honestly wasn't even TOUCHING on the list of things I'm currently concerned or worried about.
Also, what's sleeping through the night?!?
Somebody help me see the other side so I can understand better instead of just muttering things under my breath (at myself) about petulant child. Because I know he is Not. He loves those kids and does what is necessary and it just confuses the hell out of my brain that he seems to embrace the martyr aspects.
Help please!
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Honestly, when my husband gets crabby, he can be the same way - especially when he's woken up in the night. Oh, I had to get up with her, poor me. I'm like, whoa, kids don't do these things to piss you off, first of all. And eventually, he feels bad for being such a jerk about it. My guess? It's his worrying about the big stuff coming out in the little stuff.
ReplyDeleteOk, I've had this conversation with a couple friends too and I think the appropriate response is just: "you're right, babe, that sucks." And that's it.
ReplyDeleteI think Christa has it right, and you do, too. Well said, both of you!
ReplyDeleteSome people just need to get it out. (thus my blog)
ReplyDeleteI don't think he was doing anything more than just getting it out. You are his wife the one he talks to about stuff and this being a single parent thing is probably harder on him than he'll let on. so when he's upset about something like this....after not sleeping well....just listen and be supportive.
Instead of thinking of him bitching about Trajan who you both know did nothing wrong....don't take it personally....don't let it make you feel guilty for not being able to be there...just be a sounding board. Consider this your new job at the hospital.
I sure hope he starts feeling better. pour guy. oh and Trajan too ;-)
(maybe he's just filling up with sperm and it will affect his personality for a while)
To answer your blog title, neither. I'd say you both have a lot on your plates at this point and most likely stress and anxiety played a part in Paul's ranting.
ReplyDeleteTrajan most definitely did the right thing in staying ahead of the pain curve. It sucks that this got thrown off my the school's forgetfulness. Paul should really be verbally lashing out about that. I imagine Trajan did not want to take his antibiotics because of pain. Hopefully Paul was able to look past his own shortsighted frustration and explain to Trajan that the antibiotics will help the overall healing process and help Trajan to feel better.
I wonder did Paul take ibuprofen as needed?!?
And you're justified in not being empathetic, but given that you can't physically be there, as much as you normally are, for each other at this point in time, the response you came up with after talking to friends is appropriate.
I hope everyone rests better tonight and feels better overall!
Amy
Tell him its time to put on his big boy panties and suck it up. Both of you have a lot to stress out about and it'll save everyone's sanity not to freak out over little things.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Karen! It's lack of sleep and the new role he's filling.. Venting to the spouse comes with the "license"
ReplyDeleteNow stop thinking about it and get some rest!
Agree with all the posters here, and I also agree with you. I also need to give you a heads up that this kind of thing will rear its ugly head in a major way once Sweetie and Cutie get here. It is not going to be pretty. But you will get through it and life will get easier and you won't want to kill each other at a certain point. :-) You should do really well, because you answered your own question with the best response there is: "You're right, babe. It totally sucks. Grrr." Also, humor helps. Sometimes I say to Lester, who likes to demand that Clair!!! (all of 11 weeks old) stop fussing and go to sleep: "Let's manufacture baby Ambien in our basement and sell it on the black market. We'll be billionaires!" Then we both laugh and it lets off some steam, which his helpful for both of us and good for the whole family.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry that things have gotten stressful on this end.. and poor sweet Trajan. i'm guessing the scabs are falling off, thus the new pain. That happened with all of the kids I know who had the same procedure.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you!
My husband has a classic reaction to my being sick, or any of the kids -- he gets angry. It's because he's feeling out of control, and so he lives the adage, sick with worry. I've learned to guage how upset he is by the level of his anger. He knows that we can't help being sick (well, we all *should* take better care of ourselves), and I know that having those feelings is out of his control. It's just the way he reacts. Even though he's angry, he still makes the soup and brings the ibuprofen and cold / hot compresses. I've learned that it's pointless to tell him not to react that way, it's just how he's wired.
ReplyDeleteI think many of us have been in similar situations as far as getting annoyed at our spouse's reaction to issues or problems we may handle differently. Moms typically don't get to rest and we understand our role. I think things were said that may not have been communicated or understood correctly, you all have a LOT going on right now. HUGS.
ReplyDelete