Friday, April 13, 2012

And I lost it...

So, I've held it together very well.  Hell, I'm not even sure I'd say I've been holding it together, because it's been pretty easy.  I'm rational.  I understand things happen.  And that doesn't mean it will happen again.  So, I've been very fine.  I've taken to thinking of these two as going to be here at some point.  I've entertained the idea that it will be via the NICU possibly, but really expecting them by 37-40 weeks as a part of our day-to-day life.

Then I lost it.

I don't know if it's being at the same gestational age or realizing that I'm going to have to go for the longest stretch in the history of this entire pregnancy without an ultrasound or the preterm labor nurse upsetting me, but I've lost it.  It was definitely the preterm labor nurse as the trigger, but I don't want to put it all on her.

How do I know I lost it?  I called my OB's nurse this morning to confirm that something the preterm labor nurse said I didn't need to worry about and I ended up where I could barely (if that) talk because I was crying and just had lost control.  I'm sitting here typing with tears running down my face.  Thus, I say I've lost it.

To backtrack: yesterday I had an appointment with the preterm labor nurse and then an OB appointment.  The preterm labor appointment was in the morning and went great in terms of the babies and my status as a pregnant person.  Both had good heartbeats.  Blood pressure was good.  Cervix is long and closed, yeah!  OB appointment also went well with both looking good on the quickie ultrasound and she also checked out my cervix and agreed it looked great.  Four cervical checks in 88 hours, I declare my cervix to be pageant queen popular.  Everything medical and related to this pregnancy at both appointments could not have been improved upon.

So, why the crazy?  Well, the preterm nurse took me back to last time.  I had an appointment with the perinatologist and her scheduled for a Thursday, but after feeling jumangi drums and just so much absurd amounts of motion that it distressed me, they had me come in Wednesday to check them out.  They did the 24 week anatomy growth scan (24 weeks would be Friday) and everything looked great.  Viable and perfect were words used.  Yeah, ain't that almost funny?

She brought up this appointment and what I had felt and brought up that this was likely Aurelia doing her best to try to get oxygen.  The nurse even said to communicate "hey mom, I'm not getting air."  Yup, said that to me. 

Yeah, that's a kick in the ass.  But you know what, there's nothing we could have done differently.  There's nothing we could have done to help her.  And if I'm being completely honest, the outcome of two 24&0 weekers one of whom has been experiencing oxygen deprivation likely would not have been a better outcome than where we have ended up.  But still, having someone say that yes, that meant something was wrong and I was the only one capable of getting the message makes me sick.  And now I'm supposed to be watching for fetal thrashing?

I meant to ask the OB about it yesterday and we got to the point of saying that the preterm labor nurse had upset me (though I kept it completely together with her oddly), but got distracted and never got into why.  Go attention deficit.

Also, the OB had convinced me early on this pregnancy that we weren't certain this was a cord accident.  And this I think helped with my piece, because cord accidents are one of the causes of stillbirth that has recurrence where many stillbirth causes are flukes.  So, now I'm back to that worry about the recurrence rate. 

Oddly, I just realized that I never changed the little summary box of "our world" that's in the border of the blog page to not say cord accident when the OB convinced me that the neonatal nurse practitioner told me it as a certain cause to make me feel better, but they couldn't be certain.  I will say that cord compressions definitely fit well with the symptoms and the experience of her motion.

And I'm feeling much better post this rant/ramble and a conversation with my OB's nurse, who is an amazingly patient and kind soul, this morning. 

I have the 24 week anatomy/growth scan with these two on Monday and then I will see the preterm lady again.  And then I enter my new distress as the OB set my next appointment for four weeks and the perinatologist will set my next appointment for four weeks, so I will have to go almost four weeks without seeing them on an ultrasound when I haven't gone even two weeks so far this pregnancy.  The preterm labor clinic will do the Doppler, but even she has said that she's not 100% certain she's identifying them separately.  It may seem odd, but the idea of possibly not knowing one is dead for weeks is almost more upsetting than the idea of one being dead.  So, I anticipate some basketcaseness for the next four weeks.

I'm not ok, but I'll make it.

Afterthought: I am very lucky that I'm signed up to work pizza Friday at Trajan's school today. Two hours of serving up pizza and fruit and talking and playing with three lunches of kids and the world is always a better place. I'm still convinced I'm pretty blessed and lucky, even if I'm a bit crazy today.


  1. Yikes... Can't believe she said that. I would have lost it, too, but thats. It saying much since that is a frequent occurance for me. I hear that sooooo often--that many of the babies in this little BLM community were SO active the day before they died. The same goes for me. At 34 weeks,6 days, my son was more active than ever. And he died at 35 weeks. (guess what is today/tomorrow for me in this pregnancy?!) I see the looks from doctors and nurses when I am paranoid about feeling too little activity. I laugh when I think about the looks when I claim too much activity. But it is a real thing! And then we are stuck with trying to figure out when it is too much. It's a lot. And I cannot imagine your worries about going four weeks... I have to declare that I could not do it. Hang in there.

  2. I just wanted to tell you I'm thinking about you. Hope you enjoy that pizza lunch, and I hope you're able to clear your mind (at least relatively speaking) this weekend...get some rest...and even have a little fun. Hugs to you, my friend...

  3. Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you...and sending you thoughts for a clear, peaceful mind. And I hope that pizza and laughter will help get you there today. Hugs to you, my friend...

  4. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry she said that.
    Now I question my pregnancies because my kids were CRAZY active. And I remember feeling the quick drumming and I would ask if it were possible that they were having seizures. I was always no...everything is fine.
    Like your OB said. I wonder if they don't just say shit to try and make sense of things. To try and give an answer when there just isn't an answer to give.

    I do think you should worry and I'll tell you why. because my babies were as crazy in my belly as they are out. so that just tells you what you have to look forward to. you've seen the pictures. it's not a pretty sight. ;-)

    Lots of good and peaceful thoughts coming your way.

  5. I love you and feel so bad about the stress you are feeling. You know that you can always hide under my desk if you need to get away from the world for a few minutes. We can also declare that nurse "best of the pooh heads". Or should it be worst? Either way, she is a pooh head!


  6. I am praying so hard for you, girl. For peace of mind, mostly, because I know you need it, and deserve it. And for healthy, uneventful deliveries of two beautiful, athletic, super-smart little girls. And also that no clinicians, medical staffers or otherwise say anything BONEHEADED for the next 13+ weeks. Silence is golden, sayeth the elders. And now we know why.

  7. Good golly... my IUGR baby was the crazy active one. And she was the one with cord flow issues. Shit. Was it because she was constantly being deprived of nutrients and O2?

    Ok, so sorry that you had to go through that ridiculous stressor. Praying for a peaceful and excruciatingly normal and boring pregnancy from here on out.

  8. Oh mamma I am sorry for the stress.. and I understand it completely. I think it stinks that you have to go 4 weeks between appointments. If you discuss that with the peri will they listen and possibly give you a quickie ultrasound at least in the middle? (2 weeks). Fight for what will help set your mind at ease.. you deserve extra attention.

  9. She said what?! I'm with Hua-Yu, she is indeed the best/worse of all pooh heads. What a thing to say to you. It makes me feel sick, no wonder you lost it.
    Like you, I've kind of tried to resolve it with myself that, even had I known that G was in distress, the girls were so early that the outcome would not have been any different. She was too ill and she was also very premature and those two things in combination are usually fatal. Sigh.
    Geesh, just still can't believe that she said that to you. Hope you enjoyed pizza Friday!

  10. Wow.
    Just wow.
    You are strong, and you will make it. Of this I am certain, Whatever "it" is, you will make it.
    You have permission to lose it once in a while.

  11. Ugh, what a terrible thing for someone to say! You say something to someone when it's useful, not when it wouldn't have been useful then or now. I don't know how, but if I were you I'd lodge a formal complaint...

    Prayers from me! And if you want more ultrasounds, can't they accommodate given your history and your worries?

  12. Like mother, like daughter. I was going to say almost exactly what Gina said. Just keep going, one day at a time. It really is OK to melt down if you need to. I think of you every day and am waiting for your happy announcement:)

  13. That's just terrible. I'm so sorry she said that to you. How she could be so unfeeling is beyond me. I guess we can chalk it up to the idiocy of some people to open their mouths before they use the brain God gave 'em.
    I'm thinking and praying for you and your little girls.

    BTW I loved the pic of Chiron with the Hulk. That's Matthew's fave right now, and every so often we pay a visit to see the Hulk.

    Also, did you know that Hulk's teeth come out? that's right, Jake found out that the Hulk has dentures. The comics guy very kindly asked Jake to put them back.


  14. Hello. I am hoping that you and the babies are well. And the rest of the family too.