So, I've held it together very well. Hell, I'm not even sure I'd say I've been holding it together, because it's been pretty easy. I'm rational. I understand things happen. And that doesn't mean it will happen again. So, I've been very fine. I've taken to thinking of these two as going to be here at some point. I've entertained the idea that it will be via the NICU possibly, but really expecting them by 37-40 weeks as a part of our day-to-day life.
Then I lost it.
I don't know if it's being at the same gestational age or realizing that I'm going to have to go for the longest stretch in the history of this entire pregnancy without an ultrasound or the preterm labor nurse upsetting me, but I've lost it. It was definitely the preterm labor nurse as the trigger, but I don't want to put it all on her.
How do I know I lost it? I called my OB's nurse this morning to confirm that something the preterm labor nurse said I didn't need to worry about and I ended up where I could barely (if that) talk because I was crying and just had lost control. I'm sitting here typing with tears running down my face. Thus, I say I've lost it.
To backtrack: yesterday I had an appointment with the preterm labor nurse and then an OB appointment. The preterm labor appointment was in the morning and went great in terms of the babies and my status as a pregnant person. Both had good heartbeats. Blood pressure was good. Cervix is long and closed, yeah! OB appointment also went well with both looking good on the quickie ultrasound and she also checked out my cervix and agreed it looked great. Four cervical checks in 88 hours, I declare my cervix to be pageant queen popular. Everything medical and related to this pregnancy at both appointments could not have been improved upon.
So, why the crazy? Well, the preterm nurse took me back to last time. I had an appointment with the perinatologist and her scheduled for a Thursday, but after feeling jumangi drums and just so much absurd amounts of motion that it distressed me, they had me come in Wednesday to check them out. They did the 24 week anatomy growth scan (24 weeks would be Friday) and everything looked great. Viable and perfect were words used. Yeah, ain't that almost funny?
She brought up this appointment and what I had felt and brought up that this was likely Aurelia doing her best to try to get oxygen. The nurse even said to communicate "hey mom, I'm not getting air." Yup, said that to me.
Yeah, that's a kick in the ass. But you know what, there's nothing we could have done differently. There's nothing we could have done to help her. And if I'm being completely honest, the outcome of two 24&0 weekers one of whom has been experiencing oxygen deprivation likely would not have been a better outcome than where we have ended up. But still, having someone say that yes, that meant something was wrong and I was the only one capable of getting the message makes me sick. And now I'm supposed to be watching for fetal thrashing?
I meant to ask the OB about it yesterday and we got to the point of saying that the preterm labor nurse had upset me (though I kept it completely together with her oddly), but got distracted and never got into why. Go attention deficit.
Also, the OB had convinced me early on this pregnancy that we weren't certain this was a cord accident. And this I think helped with my piece, because cord accidents are one of the causes of stillbirth that has recurrence where many stillbirth causes are flukes. So, now I'm back to that worry about the recurrence rate.
Oddly, I just realized that I never changed the little summary box of "our world" that's in the border of the blog page to not say cord accident when the OB convinced me that the neonatal nurse practitioner told me it as a certain cause to make me feel better, but they couldn't be certain. I will say that cord compressions definitely fit well with the symptoms and the experience of her motion.
And I'm feeling much better post this rant/ramble and a conversation with my OB's nurse, who is an amazingly patient and kind soul, this morning.
I have the 24 week anatomy/growth scan with these two on Monday and then I will see the preterm lady again. And then I enter my new distress as the OB set my next appointment for four weeks and the perinatologist will set my next appointment for four weeks, so I will have to go almost four weeks without seeing them on an ultrasound when I haven't gone even two weeks so far this pregnancy. The preterm labor clinic will do the Doppler, but even she has said that she's not 100% certain she's identifying them separately. It may seem odd, but the idea of possibly not knowing one is dead for weeks is almost more upsetting than the idea of one being dead. So, I anticipate some basketcaseness for the next four weeks.
I'm not ok, but I'll make it.
Afterthought: I am very lucky that I'm signed up to work pizza Friday at Trajan's school today. Two hours of serving up pizza and fruit and talking and playing with three lunches of kids and the world is always a better place. I'm still convinced I'm pretty blessed and lucky, even if I'm a bit crazy today.