Thursday, December 15, 2011

Update and Confessions

It was probably obvious to some of you what I was rooting for when I outlined the scenarios last week, the one option that I didn’t mention: both of them still being there.  I outlined the miscarriage and the singleton, but I didn’t actually mention the twin.  Confession: that’s because it’s what I was rooting for.  Perhaps even secretly from myself.  Because it’s crazy.  Crazy.  Three living kids in a year and a half and four born.  Crazy.  But from the moment I saw the two sacs on the ultrasound, I somehow was already attached to both of them.

Random side note, I’ve noticed that this propensity to fall in love with a sac on a black and white screen is more of a female trait.

So, what did we see?

Yup, two.  Both with confirmed cardiac activity recorded.  A is measuring 6 weeks, 2 day and B is measuring 6 weeks, 1 day, so much closer together in gestational age than last time, which is a good thing. The sacs are actually pretty similar in size, it's just the angle that makes it look different here.

No obvious names like heart and eggplant.  One friend saw panda eyes and that's all I can see now as well. 

So, the nitty gritty details, the dark and the just interesting.

First off, the experience still did a bit of a fight or flight number on me.  My blood pressure wasn't as bad, but was still 140/80.  I'm supposed to check it sometime during the two week break before my next appointment just to confirm that it is a physiological reaction to the stress of the situation.

And yes, that's a scary thought.  My mind is making my body respond physiologically to the situation.

I've apparently made a mark on even the doctor's memory.  She estimated that my risk was about 1 in 300 to get pregnant on the Mirena and then the risk of back to back twins even with the fraternal propensity is about 1 in 100.  Or 1 in around 30,000.

I'm finding some of the math and numbers as the interesting things.  Having four separate people in my body in one calendar year.  Potentially having four children born/removed within a year and a half period. 

Related to numbers, we're throwing out August 7-9 as a due date with July 26 or so as the latest allowed likely.  Didn't get too much into delivery details, but apparently having both had a successful vaginal birth and a c-section, they will let me delivery vaginally if they're both heads down but they won't induce with a previous c-section or something like that.  I really didn't push this detail since it's so far out and so much has to happen between now and then.

Speaking of which, she says the miscarriage rate with having had the Mirena is about double that of normal.

I also am contemplating that perhaps I think I'm the Easter Bunny and am not aware of it and so just toss eggs around like crazy.

Other happy news is the hormone that was in the Mirena is the same as they give to women with luteal cycle defects and so it having been in the uterus with them was not a big issue.

The doctor brought up the question of what I will do to feed these children if they do end up here alive given that I've essentially slowly killed both of my living children with breastmilk while causing my body to systematically attack and shut down my parathyroids.  My theory at the moment is to run it by the boys' gastroenterologist and see what he thinks and then just approach things cautiously.  And also maybe recognize that there's a lot of value in the first few weeks of breastmilk versus longer term.

Going to try to avoid contemplating logistics too much for now.  Like three rear-facing car seats in a safe fashion with an additional forward-facer.

We will check cervix length in two weeks because of the preterm delivery history.  I'll do the preterm labor clinic again starting at 20 weeks.  And we will just keep following.  The future's not ours to see, "Que Sera, Sera, Whatever will be, will be. The future's not ours, to see..."

Very good news to me.  She thinks that the neonatal nurse practitioner told me Aurelia's death was because of a cord compression in order to make me feel better and give me an explanation more than really thinking that it was so.  Reviewed the delivery report and there wasn't a clear knot or anything.  All it said was that there was a moderate amount of spiralling with the central hypertwisted area that was measured 0.5 cm or something like that.  This makes me feel better about the cord compression issues. So, the NNP was trying to make me feel better and instead ended up making me crazier.  So, I feel better being back to an unexplained cause of death.

Having had an interuterine demise, there is an increased risk, even if it was a singleton and so they'll just follow more closely.

So, summary version.  They both look great.  They match up on size, have changed appropriate to what we'd expect over a week, and everything looks good.  And there are definitely two of them.  Big thing right now is taking it one step at a time.  Not getting ahead of ourselves and just taking things as they come with a next appointment in two weeks to check both their progress and get a baseline on my cervix.

Thanks to all of you for your support, thoughts, prayers, encouragement and sharing of your experiences.  It really helps. And sorry this is a ramble, it was an over three hour appointment and I need to go pick up the boys, but I felt I should get something up.


  1. You have been in my thoughts today. Keep taking things in stride as best you can...and you'll continue to be in my thoughts, and those of many, many others, I'm sure.

    P.S. I LOVE your panda face. :) :)

  2. How amazing. I've been thinking about you all day. And, WOW. I'm not going to lie, I'm sort of jealous of your surprise twins and all the crazy logistics and excitement and amazing things they may bring. That said, I know you have a really intense journey ahead of you and am hoping for the best for you all. Best wishes!

  3. OMG!!!! Prayers commencing. Best wishes for the most boring 8ish months to come!

  4. Prayers for you and all your babies... for protection from fear and for safety. Remember that perfect love drives out fear, and you have so much love all around you. If you start to get a little scared and that blood pressure spikes, grab onto that love. It is mighty.

  5. That is the prettiest picture I've seen in a LONG time!
    I have been holding my breath waiting for an update -- and now I can breathe. Ahhh! Yes! This is all good news, all around. Every last bit of it. And you are right to be freaked out, despite knowing that it's all good news. So don't worry about that. You'll be freaked out until both babies are here in your arms, safe and healthy. And then, guess what? You'll still be freaked out, because then you'll have TWO BABIES AT ONE TIME (which is what they really should call twins, instead of that short, cute-sounding euphemism). And then I will take pictures of the grocery store for you, because you will not be seeing the inside of it again for a long time. Hahahaaaa! (I'm taking way too much pleasure in this...)

    SOOO happy for you, girl!!!! Seriously! I really, really am. And you KNOW you are in my prayers and my family's.

  6. Ha! I discovered six am grocery shopping this week, so we won't all starve.

    And that is appropriate that twins is a euphemism!

  7. Well . . . I suspect you know that I was kind of rooting for this outcome too. How could I not be?

    It's great that they are measuring so close together and that everything looks good. I hope your blood pressure evens up. I'm also so glad that the role of the possible cord compression in causing Aurelia's death has been cleared up. It's a shame that something that was said to make you feel better actually ended up making you feel more frightened.

    The numbers are making my mind boggle a little. Four children in a year and a half!

    As for falling in love with a sac and/or sacs, the cycle I fell pregnant with R (now sleeping on my lap) I had a HyCoSy to check my tube patency and I actually saw evidence of the release of the egg that went on to become R! And I kind of loved that egg too!

  8. I'm seeing a top view of a pee brain alien

    So the top twin is the pee brain. The bottom twin on the bottom is his eye and then if you look down you'll see the typical alien/skull nose and then big lips into the mouth.

    Ok. enough.

    I have a question. What are the miscarriage rates once the heart beats have been detected ?
    I they think you'll have a risk of miscarriage through out the pregnancy because of the birth control ?
    I would think that scare would be over ? no ?

    What does your husband think ?

  9. Prayers and suchlike from my corner to you.

    I'm a bit envious, you might say. Even though yours is special circumstances. Twins for the win!

  10. I have a curious question for you I lost a twin daughter at 2 months old and I believe she had breastmilk jaundice. Also I found out right before she passed that she only gained one pound in her two months since birth. What did you mean when you said you slowly killed both of your living children with breastmilk? I have been given a lazy and bs cause of death along the lines of sids or suids that they are basically calling my fault an accidental death in a weirdly round about way.