Thursday, December 8, 2011


At the beginning of the week, I had three people make pregnancy jokes based on my vivid dream and a patty melt desire.  Then this morning I found myself unable to tolerate mint.  I have a Mirena  IUD, but figured a little reassurance never hurts so I dipped a pregnancy strip.  Now, I’ve done this twice before since I had the IUD and it was nice and reassuring to see that negative result.  A bit different this time, the strip showed the test line before the urine had even gotten to the control.  Unexpected would be an understatement.

Called obstetrician’s office and they called back about two hours later and scheduled me for an ultrasound about half an hour later.  Went in, checked in and was still reasonably calm.  I find it a bit prophetic that I’d set a post on the idea of Just Another Day in Wileydise to post that day, but I was approaching it all pretty calmly.  Had called and told Paul and he said to just breathe and wait until I had information.  I figured it was likely early enough that if it was ectopic (high risk with an IUD), it could probably be easily managed without too negative health implications hopefully.  I figured if it was a chemical pregnancy or otherwise miscarrying, I could deal with that and understand it as part of the risk of getting an IUD.  I figured that if it was a viable intrauterine pregnancy we could figure out making it work even though it wasn’t planned.  Really thought I was ready.

Then the tech started the scan and I saw two gestational sacs.

She measured two gestational sacs.  She said she couldn’t comment on anything or even confirm that I was seeing two separate pregnancies or whether they were in the uterus.  She did label them right side gestational sac and left side gestational sac, so between that and having previously seen an early twin ultrasound, I felt pretty sure it was two.  When she finished, I went back upstairs to see the doctor.

My blood pressure was 160/98.  It’s normally about 105/58 or so.  The tech who took it seemed a bit concerned by this, but said that they would probably just check it again.

The nurse and the doctor came in and asked how I was or something to the effect and I responded with, “my blood pressure is a bit high.”  The doctor said she thought she knew why and I for some reason thought this meant she knew something was pathologically wrong and had seen on the ultrasounds and so asked what.  Apparently, she just meant the knowledge I’d just gotten.  I then asked her if I was right in thinking I’d seen two sacs there.  She confirmed this to be the case.  Only one of them had a measurable fetal pole, but the other one could either not have one because it is not developing or not have one because it’s still too early.

Apparently knowing the days I bled or spotted doesn’t help in the least bit in dating the pregnancy as they typically have nothing to do with ovulation when you have an IUD.  The one measurable fetal pole was 5 weeks and 6 days, but apparently size is really hard to measure at this gestational age, so could be anywhere from about 4 to 7 weeks. 

It was a bit of an interesting balance as an appointment, because we were both looking to find the right point between getting me all the information that I needed for the sake of my understanding and not borrowing trouble or worrying about something that we may never get to that point.  My OB knows me well enough it seems that she gets that I have a lot of questions and like to understand as much as possible, so I’m feeling as informed as I can be in a situation that is definitely unclear.

So, where do we stand? 
·         I am currently pregnant. 
·         I am pregnant enough that looking at beta HCGs won’t really give any good information as to the viability
·         There are two gestational sacs
·         The IUD is out now which improves the range of outcomes
·         I do not have an ectopic pregnancy
·         We will do another ultrasound in a week to look at the growth of the two potential fetuses
·         My cervix is closed and looks good

So right now the only directions are to start taking prenatals (I finally stopped a month ago as a great example of irony) and allow time to pass until the ultrasound and appointment next week.  My doc's nurse actually stayed in the room while we were talking so she could be up to date as I'm supposed to call with any questions at all that I have.  My doctor has said she will definitely keep answering my questions and provide as much information as is possible.  I'm supposed to call immediately if I have bleeding or cramping because while there is nothing we can do about a miscarriage, knowing is good. 

As you might can guess from my oversharing with the internet, I’m a fan of discussing and working things out through talking, so I discussed this with a couple friends more or less while it was going on (in addition to Paul who despite his wonderfulness and awesome nature is definitely male).  One of them asked me after if I was ok.  My answer: “yeah, I really am.  Still definitely a lot of stress, uncertainty, fear, worry, apprehension, anxiety and the like, but I know where we are now, I know what the plan is, and I know it will be fine even if it isn't now.”

I’m having trouble thinking of an uncertain situation I’ve been in before where I’m unclear what sending positive vibes or rooting for would mean, but I’m not sure in this case.  I definitely don’t want a miscarriage, but I can acknowledge that is would be simpler in many ways.  A singleton pregnancy would be less risky than twins, but I can’t imagine myself rooting for that either.  So I think I’ve settled on I’m accepting whatever reality will be and I will deal with it as it comes. 

I debated whether or not I should write this.  On some level it seems odd to write about a pregnancy that is more likely to result in loss than not (how’s that for some scary statistics, and I thought normal miscarriage stats were bad), but even if I do miscarry (the main reason it’s so likely is apparently because of insufficient lining due to the IUD), that won’t unmake it happen and will still affect my thoughts and the like.  My main worry for sharing is that I really don’t know if I could stomach any more sympathy from people in our lives.  I know that sounds even weirder, but it’s true.  But there are only a handful of people who I know that read this and I would definitely tell them regardless, so it seems to make more sense to document my thought process and feelings than to not.

In terms of telling people in normal life?  My thought is wait as long as possible because there are a lot of people that just don’t ever need to know if it does end in miscarriage.  We might tell our parents/siblings at Christmas if next week’s ultrasound shows progress, but it definitely isn’t a happy go lucky pregnancy and will only be telling people who are central to our lives and need to know as such rather than just for congratulations or the typical responses.

It’s been almost four hours since the ultrasound and my pulse finally feels about normal.  You know what?  Life happens.  We respond.  And that’s the beauty.

And one more last thought (and yes, the idea on one more last is funny).  Am I odd that it’s the second one that blows my mind?  I mean the idea of being pregnant on an IUD with an almost one-year-old seems like it should be pretty mind-boggling, but that seemed manageably so.  It was the presence of a second one that really just ran me over like a Mac truck.

I’ll let you know how things go either way.  Interesting fact: they don’t give you copies of the ultrasounds apparently when they anticipate you are going to miscarry.

Oh and yes, I do see great irony in this happening right after I'd basically come to the conclusion that I shouldn't be pregnant again for the sake of sanity.  And no, I'm not ready to think about the insanity aspect yet.  What's nice is for some reason my fear of babies dying doesn't extend to miscarriage.  I see that as more of an inevitability or something, so not having the obsessive thoughts of last November/December.

One positive is hopefully this will quickly get me over the fear of going to the OB by myself.  As I've said before, the appointment where the demise was found was the first time I went to the OB or the perinatologist by myself between either pregnancy.  Well, I went by myself today and since the only time the schedule worked for next week was during Trajan's winter performance, I'll be by myself again.  Luckily, Paul has been really supportive and helpful in my thinking all of this out over such a short period of time and I really think that's a large part of the reason I can say that I know that I am ok. 

Speaking of Trajan, regardless of whether we end up telling the grandparent types, I am pretty sure we will not be telling him unless it is at a point where there's basically no other option.  It may be selfish, but I don't want to hear him explaining death again.

Notice that I'm no longer even calling anything "last thought". 

And yes, I totally get that intentional termination is an option.  That said, I just can't do it and have no desire to.  I can't consciously choose to kill my child.  I know what it is like to lose a child in reality, not just as an idea, and I know that I am not strong enough for that.


  1. To quote your previous post: "Life happens, things will come at us. It is what we make of them that determines our existence."

  2. HOLY SHIT !
    and wow, you are handling this SO well. I guess that is, now that your blood pressure is back down in a normal range.
    Just wow !

  3. What a day! I'm going to go out on a limb and say congrats. I think you've earned it today. Wow! I'll be thinking about you until the next post, for sure.

  4. Argh! MY head is spinning and that's just from reading this! I had to double check that this was not another vivid dream (albeit not quite in the same league as the donkey poop dream!) Geesh, no wonder your blood pressure hit the roof.

    My statistics brain is going into overdrive. And I HAVE to send positive thoughts and root for something? So I am sending them!

    Well . . . another day in Wileydise. Indeed. Going to go and make myself a second cup of tea now! The British reaction to anything a little unexpected!

  5. Wow.... just wow.

    I thought at one point I could be pregnant - I also have an IUD - but it was just a weird blip in my cycle.

    Not sure what else to say, other than just I'm sure thinking about you right now!

  6. You are right, Life does happen. We take it and roll. I am sure you will manage through this one too. I totally agree with not telling Trajan yet. There is plenty of time for that.
    I have daughters who are less than one year apart. Albeit they are singles, but you can do that too. We just make it happen. We call them our Irish twins:) I will be waiting anxiously for updates, even though I am just a cyber friend and not a normal life person:)

  7. I like K J and the kids comment......HOLY SHIT! You can do this my superwoman friend! Gosh....I love you!

  8. OHMIGOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    And I JUST asked you if you were SURE SURE about your decision and how you felt about being SURE SURE about this decision and now THIS?!
    I'm sorry. I have to say it again: OHMIGOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I am falling out of my chair over here! And also thinking about how I said on June 3rd that I was sure I did NOT want any more children, and then got pregnant (according to pregnancy calculators) around June 6th or 7th.

    The lesson here: I have NO idea! But Jeez Louise, girl! TWO sacs?? When Murphy's Law hits you, it hits you hard, doesn't it? Gracious!

    Lord, I wish we were phone friends. I so want to talk to you about how you feel about this!!

    OK, one thing I will tell you - having been in similar shoes not too long ago -- is that the shock does wear off. The fear does wane. Acceptance comes next. Then love. Then excitement.

    So you have that to look forward to.

    Wow!! This is VERY exciting news. I can't wait to hear more! And I'll be here to help with any thoughts/questions/crying you want to do. LOL!


  9. P.S. You also just cleared up something for me. Hubby and I have been having the "who-gets-snipped" conversation, and my doctor said we could also consider an IUD.
    After reading this, ummm, no sirreeee Bob. No more surprises for me! :-)

  10. wow..... wow. the boys were delivered in october and i found out in march that i was 3 months pregnant. when i went in for the ultrasound he found two sacs but nothing inside. it later ended in miscarry about a month later. the ups and downs are incredible.
    i couldn't get pregnant to save my life before we had IVF to get the twins. never saw a positive stick until they were implanted in my body. and i had barely recovered from my c-section before i was pregnant (and didn't know it) again. then having gone through 9 weeks of NICU and knowing that i would (most likely) deliver early again, the thought of another bedrest pregnancy with two infants, early delivery and NICU just made me sad.
    it was about a week later from the test that I settled into a happier state and got excited about being pregnant naturally and hopefully experience a possible normal pregnancy... then had my doctor's appt. that said he should have seen more growth at how far along i was.
    the long and short of this story is, allow yourself to be excited, to be happy, to be sad. allow yourself to think about what could be and share it with whomever you want. we told the family about the positive pregnancy test (of which they all thought we were crazy but were excited) and then had all their support to help me through the miscarriage.
    good luck.

  11. Wow...I jumped over here because I don't have your email address, and I wanted to answer a crafting question from my blog.

    I've tried typing this next sentence at least 4 times now, and I guess I'm not quite sure what to say. I'll do my best to say what I'm trying to, though...I'm thinking of you. And I hope you can sit back as best as possible and take things as they come. Please know I am wishing all the best for you and your family.

    (And I would love to have your email address if you don't always leave great comments on my blog and I would love to be able respond directly.) :) Mine is

  12. oh my gosh. I was just reading about rice chex and chatting you up about Fruity Pebbles and then I read down a page. oh my gosh.

    You certainly have a lot going on right now. Judging by your rational internal monologue about the issue, I think your head and heart are in a good place.

    Keep yourself open to all the emotions and I think you will be fine. Trust in something other than yourself (God, doctors, your husband, Karma, The Man, anything really) and it will take some of the pressure off you.