Thursday, December 1, 2011

Happiness and Fear

I've shown it before, but Chiron really likes riding:

I don't know if it's the time of year and I'm reflecting back to last year or just being the end of the year, but I'm finding myself contemplating a lot of the darker, less cheery baby parts of life, so I thought I'd send out shots of the happiest human I've ever known.  Trajan has always been happy and pretty easy-going, but Chiron has really redefined the definition of happy in my mind.  His joy has taught me so much about appreciating and stopping and taking a second look at the way the world works.

Now, darker thought number one: pregnancy and loss. 

A year ago, I lived in this weird in-between state.  I actually dealt better with Aurelia's death because it was clear.  I knew what there was and I had to deal with it.  Chiron, there was no clarity of what was or would be.  They told us at 24 weeks that we were almost certainly going to deliver him before we made it to 25 weeks.  But the question of when he was going to be born wasn't the real question to me, it was is he going to die before he can be born.

I've confessed this once before, but there were four weeks during which it wasn't that I was worried about a loss, I honestly expected him to be dead every time that they came to get fetal heart tones.  I know everyone has some time when they worry about losing a pregnancy or a child and that's normal, but I don't think it is at that level.  Basically, I was crazy.

What's the point of this ramble?  It's that I think I've come to a realization.  And it's that I just can't really risk playing that game again.  I know describing pregnancy as a game seems off and wrong, but that's just how my mind works!  I've been getting closer and closer to coming to this conclusion, but I didn't realize it until it just hit me the other day in the car that I just can't imagine existing in that reality of uncertainty again.  I wouldn't be watching an ultrasound to see how he or she moved, whether they were sucking their right thumb or their left, but to see if there is a heartbeat.

Chiron has really made me appreciate happiness and enjoyment of existence even more than I already did with his amazingly happy nature and I just can't see taking myself back to a place of such uncertainty and honestly, fear.


  1. I have a cousin who has had 2 preemies. She hasn't spoken it out loud yet, but I think she is feeling the same way...that its too risky to have another baby. She hints at adoption or fostering, as is emphasized in her church. I know its a struggle for her. Having to be done before you feel done. not an easy emotion, I'm sure.

  2. It is perfectly OK to come to the conclusion that you can't play the odds again. I get it.

  3. So you are officially done? With a capital DUN? How do you feel now that you've made your decision?
    Also -- I think it's hysterical that I have ONE photo of my boys in a grocery cart (more or less) and you can make a montage out of Chiron's!
    How do you DO that anyway? Your blogging talents are impressive!

  4. Chiron is SO adorable, that smile! He really does love riding!

    I think I might possibly just have an inkling (maybe) of those four weeks. I know that part of me fully expected J to die and that I was just watching and waiting. And yes, basically at that point, I was crazy. I think it did leave some part of me permanently unhinged.

    I don't know. After the twins were born, I felt as though I had walked away from a plane crash. That I was lucky to walk away with one and that trying again would just be tempting fate. I did, as you know, this time it worked out. I would very much like to have another child but, I just don't know which outcome was the unusual one. And it is a big, big risk.