Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Trajan stopped my heart for a beat...

"I hope my next sister doesn't die."


"I never got to see Aurelia, so I don't even know what she looked like."

Questions about what she looked like and whether we got to meet her.  Answers and telling him about the time we spent with her and our description of what she looked like.

"Even if she was dead, she's still my sister and I wish I'd gotten to see her."

<end scene>

Trajan doesn't actually know that I am pregnant yet.  We haven't really discussed it with him and I think it will make sense to wait until we know genders just to make it an easier conversation.  The above conversation arose from him discussing his desire for one more brother, PLUS another sister.

This was at dinner time and you can imagine my apprehension when he turned to me last night after we finished reading in bed and said, "let's talk about stuff."

What did he proceed to talk about?

"Like why we only have doughnuts on the weekend and only sometimes then?"

I love this kid's mind.  The discussions with him that we have every day just make my world a better place.  And you know what, bubba?  I hope no more of your siblings die too (well, I'm an actuary so I know mortality will occur, but lets say none die prematurely).

And I've said it before, but I really think discussing Aurelia's life and death with Trajan has likely helped me more than anyone else.  He's not plagued by taboos or trying to say the right thing, he's just trying to understand the world and so am I.  I'm very lucky.

Innocent and wise.  Sleeps with a fish and prefers the floor.


  1. I love this post and want to give both of you a hug. Here's to health and doughnuts.

  2. Wow, this post is so moving. And I can totally see how talking to Trajan about Aurelia's death is the purest, probably-most-helpful way to digest it. Wow. That is so deep. And it makes me think how blessed you are to have him in your life. For some reason, that makes me think of -- and praise God -- so thank you for that. I need more time in my day when I do that. Anyway, I wonder if he'll ever know just how much *he* has helped *you* through this, without even knowing it. Hey! Maybe you could write him a letter, and seal it, and put it away for him to open when he's old enough (whenever you decide that is). Just an idea.

  3. Sweet boy thinking about his sister! I love that he is remembering her even though they never met!

    I was just wondering why I don't get donuts everyday either!

  4. Such big thoughts for such a little boy !
    I'm sorry that he has to think about stuff like this.

    I think he'll be sad when he has 2 sisters. ;-)

  5. They get you out of no where, don't they? The girls slam me with the heavy stuff at the times I least anticipate depth in their conversations. But, it means they feel safe... safe enough to ask and receive an honest answer. Good job, Mama!

  6. Wow, first the tough questions... and then the doughnut question. When I miscarried, I was glad that the Babby was too little to know anything about anything so I wouldn't have to try to talk about things at her level and keep a level head, too.

    At the same time, I think it's awesome that he's there and will remember Aurelia in his own way.

  7. First, he is such a smart little boy.

    Secondly, just some hugs for a very heavy conversation.

  8. The thought of discussing death, especially that of his brother, with my son has always really scared me. But your experience gives me a different perspective. Maybe it will be a positive experience after all - when he's ready, of course.

  9. Oh my goodness. How hard that must have been, in so many ways. You're an amazing mother.

  10. Trajan probably didn't know that was a hard question. It was just a question - which makes me so happy for you & your family.