Friday, June 10, 2011

Anniversaries and Birthdays

I recently read a blog post about the anniversay of the stillbirth of the author's child and it hit me like a ton of bricks that this is different with stillbirth in multiple birth.  The day Aurelia was born still is Chiron's birthday.  That seems like a pretty shitty thing to have to have on your birthday.  Am I right?

So, while I fully anticipate that I'll be a bit conflicted on his birthday (above and beyond the conflicted emotions that come from giving birth to any child ten weeks early), I don't want to intentionally be setting out to remember her "anniversary".  I started thinking that perhaps I should instead think of her "anniversary" as the day she died. 

While we don't know for sure when she died, she was labeled perfect and viable late morning on November 10 and was found to have no heartbeat early morning of November 12, so in my mind her date of death is November 11. 

At the time, I actually made a conscious effort to get a little confused on the date so that I wouldn't have a certain date to get myself all worked up except while this succeeded in my not knowing the dates (I just looked them up), it really was a complete failure because the day that she most likely died was Veteran's Day.  And unlike those polite holidays that move around so that you can't know their exact date, this one happens on the same date every year.

So, even without setting out to have an anniversary, I imagine I will never be a big fan of Veteran's Day.  So maybe Veteran's Day is just what I should take as her day?

But then I wonder if I really want to think of her, who really does just exist in my mind, on the day that she died?  The day that we lost her?  This is the argument for her being a part of December 23, it is the day that I met her.  The day that I held her in my arms.  The day I touched her skin, felt her hair, dressed and undressed her.  The day I knew her. 

Final thought: screw it all, she is a part of every day.  Yes, including Veteran's Day and December 23.

[This whole thought process is what produced my revelation on balance.  Obviously I haven't mastered it yet!]

1 comment:

  1. Reading this makes me think of the twins I miscarried - we received the diagnosis on my mother's birthday, of all days. With her there in the perinatologist's office since we'd thought it would be such a treat for her to see the babies on her birthday. Needless to say, I am not looking forward to her birthday this year, and I wish it had been some other day that I could have just forgotten.