Pumping as guilt.I wrote down this quick thought as a note the other day and while it's short, I'm impressed with the "trueness" of it. I pump to assuage guilt for an early birth, I pumped to prove that I produce enough for two babies and could have fed them (in progress, I've let go of feeling the need to do this), I pump as some sort of payment in my mind for Chiron being so lucky in the NICU. Who would have thought that one action could be rooted in so many different psychological explanations.
Pumping to prove something.
Pumping as a karmic payment to the universe.
So many reasons, but it comes down to I pump. And pump.
I've now logged over 64 gallons of milk (8199 ounces and 242482 mL) with the first week and a half of my pumping missing from my log. I've got 1137 recorded puming sessions and since I was pumping 10-12 times a day those first days, I have definitely pumped over 1200 times.
I haven't gotten an update from the milk bank recently of how much I've donated, but it was right around 3000 ounces the last time they called me.
Moo.
I honestly have considered stopping some in the last few days, but I don't think that I'm there yet. Chiron has issues with reflux (Zegerid and Bethanochol improve it though) and the gastroenterologist said that it's likely to be best with breast milk. He doesn't seem to require that I do the diet elimination that his brother did, so I think it's best that I keep on carrying on.
To help motivate myself, a list of reasons to keep it up:
1. best for X-man's stomach
2. address all those psychological explanations
3. the excess really can mean the difference between life and death for preemies
4. can't really start up again if I change my mind and while the pumping exists only in the now, the decision is forever
5. I think he may be supposed to take special caloric formula if we move him to formula and that looks expensive
6. don't have to deal with formula diapers!
Anybody else have any other items I can add to my list when I feel whiney/when I'm up in the middle of the night/when I'm figuring out where to pump at a conference/when I'm exploding because I got caught up in meetings/when I'm working out a plugged duct/when my work shirts don't fit because of said lactation?
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You should get a badge for that. 64 gallons of anything is astonishing! I have seen the blood bank give people certificates and such for donating 100 pints of blood. And all they have to do is sit there and eat a cookie afterwards!
ReplyDeleteStrangely enough, I actually pumped for R for the very first time today! I came to hate my breast pump whilst J was in the NICU, I was nowhere near as successful at milk production as you are but I do recognise some of those psychological drivers in myself.
ReplyDelete3,000 ounces! You should definitely get a badge!
Re the motivation, I think you've covered the main things I can think of. J certainly did have to drink high calorie formula once I stopped expressing but here in the UK it is paid for by the NHS. No. 6 is certainly worth bearing in mind too ;)