I've spent a fair bit of time in the last few weeks/months trying to think of what is the appropriate amount to think about/write about Aurelia. Too much and I worry that I'm harping and not moving on, too little and it's like I'm trying to make her never have existed. I've finally come to a big old revelation:
There is no right balance.
She is going to play into my thoughts. She is going to likely take more of a written presence because she does not exist as a concrete presence. Writing about her less will not mean that I'm wanting to just make Chiron into a singleton and be done with it. Writing about her more will not mean that I am not healthy or not present in my relationships with others. Accepting her and her death as a part of reality and dealing with it as it is is my best course of action.
I've often wondered about this one too. My blog could well be about 'my miracle preemie baby.' But it isn't. It's mainly about her twin sister who did not survive.
ReplyDeleteI didn't set out to write it that way, that's just how it evolved and it did trouble me a little initially, that perhaps I was dwelling on her death too much or that it somehow made me ungrateful for the baby that I did have. But I think you've nailed the reason why in this post, because she has no concrete presence and a written one is the best I can offer her.
I hope you can find the right balance for you, Aurelia and Chiron.
Thank you for your comment on my last post, I can certainly identify with your thoughts around the issue of possibly having another child. Still trying to figure it all out myself even now he is here.